15 Reasons Seattle is Better than Indy

(Please note that this list could more accurately be titled 15 Reasons Seattle is Better FOR RYAN BISH than Indy; for you, Indianapolis may be the greatest place on the planet, and that's completely okay. Feel free to write your own list, if the mood strikes you. But personally, I was miserable in Indiana, and, even a month after the fact, getting out still makes me happier than anyone would've thought possible.)

1. Well, for starters: Drinking the water won't kill you. I mean, I don't actually know for a fact that drinking the water in Indy will literally kill you - do I look like a fucking scientist? - but I lived there for five years, in three different apartments, in two vastly different parts of town. One thing they all had in common was Disturbing Activity in the Water. All I'm saying is, this is not an issue in Seattle.

2. Speaking of water, the ocean Puget Sound is RIGHT THERE. Which leads to . . .

3. SEAGULLS. Yes, yes, and yes. Okay, they might not be quite as exciting for anyone who hasn't read Animorphs as often as I have, but it should still be bloody obvious that these are inherently funny birds.

4. Another perk to having the ocean right there? It smells better. Like, a lot better.
True story: When I visited back in February, the smell was pretty much more than enough to make me sure that I didn't wanna go home. When I did, I was telling Tony about the smell, and he told me that, while I was gone, some random customer had just recently told him about a study which found that the air in Indiana is almost so bad that it's killing everybody. I haven't actually, you know, researched this or anything. But I find it very easy to believe.

5. So, so, so many truly terribly totally boring Indy people (example: Roger) are approximately 1,868 miles away. I never have to talk to them, or even be in the same general area, ever again. EVER. Sorry, I'm finding it really hard not to smile like the Joker as I type this.

6. It's so much easier to get around without a car - you can take a bus, a train, a light rail, a water ferry, or I'm not even sure what else. Public transit is serious business, and much less confusing than you might think. (This may have some tiny something to do with why it smells so much better than Indy.) For the first time in my adult life, my serious distaste for cars is a complete non-issue. A better writer than me would struggle to find the right words to express how good this feels.

7. This may be somewhat difficult to swallow if you knew me as the Wicked Bitch of the Midwest, but moving here has made me mellow, and not just a little bit. Again, I can't really put it into words, but the point is, I haven't been this round-the-clock happy since I "graduated" from therapy two years ago.

8. Well, obviously, if you happen to a photographer, Seattle is slightly more inspiring than Indianapolis. Slightly.

9. My BFF is moving to LA before this year is over, so I'll be just a hop and a skip away! Also, three of my other best friends already live here, but more about that in a minute.

10. We all know there's basically zero chance that I will ever get married . . . but at least it's legal here.

11. As is, you know, something else.

12. There's a reason no one calls Indianapolis the Emerald City.

13. When I was in middle school, one of my favorite authors (other than Neal Shusterman) was Jean Thesman. At least one of her books, The Ornament Tree, was set here. As far as I can recall, none of my favorite books from middle school took place in Indiana. So there's that.

14. I don't want to get all sappy, but: "The spark ignited inside me when I realized that you all are my friends." If you're reading this, you know who you are.

15. And finally:

So I Saw Equestria Girls

(If you haven't seen it yet, you might want to stop reading. There will be spoilers.)

"Numbered thoughts are organized thoughts," yes? Here we go . . .

1. You know, as soon as I heard about this movie, I couldn't help but think, Okay, I haven't read fanfic since before I was old enough to drink, but this sounds like fanfic. And it does. Which is not exactly a bad thing, but there is now a High School AU that's canon.
2. When you stop and think about it for longer than half a second, the title really makes no sense. The entire point is that it doesn't take place in Equestria. But it does sound better than, for example, My Little Pony: High School is Tough!
3. Sunset Shimmer was pretty awesome. I wish we could've seen more of her.
4. Speaking of Sunset Shimmer, just in case it wasn't quite obvious enough that she's a foil to Twilight Sparkle . . . her VA has been Twilight's singing voice since season one! Meta.
5. I am so, so, SO glad that, if this absolutely had to happen, Hasbro was smart enough to go with an Amazing Technicolor Population sort of thing. 
6. Okay, so the Element of Magic is missing and Equestria is potentially in big huge scary danger because of this. So the best - nay, the only - way to recover the crown is to . . . win a popularity contest? Okay, Twilight. 
7. Also, what's with Sunset Shimmer? She steals the Element of Magic and brings it to another universe, but then she drops it and it's locked up in the principal's office, and she never thinks to steal it again? She intends to use it to take over Equestria, but stealing it twice is a no-no?
8. Furthermore, how stupid is she? Magic is clearly not going to work as well as it should without the other five Elements.
9. Speaking of! Unless you're already familiar with the Elements of Harmony, you're going to have no idea what's going on when they show up. It isn't really spelled out, or even implied, why and how Rainbow Dash represents Loyalty, Rarity is Generosity, etc., so you basically get to just take Twilight's word for it. (Although "Pinkie Pie = Laughter" should make sense.)
10. I was VERY happy with the whole transformation scene. If there was one thing I wanted from a movie about humanized versions of the Mane Six, it was a drawn-out Magical Girl power-up. I refused to watch the movie on YouTube, preferring to wait for the DVD and enjoy it with two of my favorite people on the planet, but I watched this scene several times beforehand. I got chills the first time I saw it.
11. Wait a damn second. If Twilight was able to call on all the Elements when only one of them was physically present, why couldn't she just, you know, summon it back to Equestria?
12. Cadance didn't have a human counterpart. This made me happy.
13. Best line of the whole movie? THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE's one and only speaking part. This should come as no surprise.
14. Poor Rainbow Dash is just kind of . . . there. If all six Elements weren't needed to defeat Sunset Shimmer, she could've been left out of the story entirely without changing anything too terribly much.
15. "Helping Twilight Win the Crown" is no "Winter Wrap Up" or "At the Gala" or "Smile, Smile, Smile" . . . but, oh my goodness, it is CATCHY AS HELL.
16. Moral of the story? This was cute and all, but ultimately it just made me even more anxious for season four. Is it November 23rd yet? Good thing Patience is not an Element of Harmony.

P.S. The human versions of the Cutie Mark Crusaders? Totally adorable.

Just Saying

GASP.

This toy -

- which, ob.vi.ous.ly, is one of the most amazing action figures ever made, will be released on October 1st of this year.

The day after that is October 2nd.

The day after that is October 3rd.

And the day after that, October 4th, is MY BIRTHDAY.

So, yes. Just saying.

P.S. As much as I want/need/have to have this one, I really want Sailor Jupiter. Who is coming, eventually; Ami will be released in December, so you'd think we'll get Rei in February or March, and then Makoto around April or May. I mean, I fully intend to get them all, but she is my absolute favorite.

Quoteage: 33 Reasons I Will Always, Always, Always Love Gilmore Girls

[NOTE: Although I have seen every single episode multiple-multiple times, it's been more than a year since I actually sat down and watched the show. I did not Google any of these quotes before writing them up, so they might not be precisely verbatim.]

1. "Not in front of the books, Lane!"

2. "People are particularly stupid today; I can't talk to any more of them."

3. "If you're lucky, like I was, you'll only have to do it once."

4. "You're way deep in my Bogus Bag, and it's Ziplocked shut."

5. "When a woman gives birth to a crack baby, you do not buy her a puppy."

6. "Why are you throwing cutlery in a public place?"
    "Because I'd feel stupid doing it at home."

7. "Don't cows eat grass?"

8. "He's sleeping with the zucchini."

9. "Maybe if we concentrate, our combined psychic powers will somehow move it closer."
    "I don't think it's working."
    "It's my fault; I'm not focusing."

10. "I thought you were trying to save on electricity, very prudent."

11. "All I'm saying is, sometimes eating a walnut is preferable to getting hacked to death or set on fire during dinner."
      "One of these days I'm going to make you eat in your room."

12. "I ate the fuzzy Certs. They tasted like keys."

13. "Lactose and me are bros!"

14. "I'm gonna grab somebody by the neck and squeeze until brains ooze out of their ears."

15. "Oh, Ann hates me."

16. "Norman Mailer, I'm pregnant!"

17. "Don't give me lip!"

18. "Have I ever been mistaken for a patient person?"

19. "That's me, the perfect storm of genetics and caffeine."

20. "At times like these, you get to thinking about what's really important in life. [beat] I'm so glad I had all that sex."

21. "Were we not supposed to do that?"
      "Maybe no one noticed."

22. "Well, Deb, I'd say, Deb, that the real tragedy here, Deb, is that you all seem to use the same awful hairdresser, Deb."

23. "You know what's fun to talk about? Late check-out."

24. "Don't get engaged."

25. "This is bigger than your love of pink!"

26. "'Green is the new pink?'"
      "It's stupid."

27. "I'm trying to kick you, but I can't reach!"

28. "He's a produce man. They'll never find the body, but the squash will be especially chatty that year."

29. "This is what you look like right after you wake up?"
      "Yes."
      "Nothing in my life is fair."

30. "I'm gonna go make out in the coat room - don't eat my chicken."

31. "No one touch anyone in any funny places unless specifically asked."

32. "Can we hold hands and skip afterward?"

33. "Will you just shut up a minute?"

Ryan Reads Comics: X-Men (Vol. 3) #2

PREVIOUSLY ON X-MEN: Storm gave everyone a really good view of her boobs (heh) while she was flying; Rogue destroyed a train; Psylocke was actually allowed to wear actual clothes; Kitty used netspeak in spoken conversation --- twice; Jubilee failed to supply anything like a definitive answer to the whole "Are you still a vampire or not?" question; and Rachel . . . was, you know, there.
     Also, there was something about John Sublime (who?) having a twin sister even more ~seriously evil~ than he is, because six of the most badass X-Men in the history of ever need somebody to punch. Obviously.

(Look, I am more excited about this book than words can possibly explain, but, at the same time, I can't help throwing a little good-natured snark in its general direction. Particularly this issue. It's Part 2 of 3 of the first arc; I'm sure everything will eventually make brilliant, perfect sense, but for now . . . well, for now, it really feels like the second part of a three-part story, you know?)

Anyway.

I love this series so much that I'd really like to do full-blown recaps, and maybe I will someday, but today I just have a lot of questions & exclamations. So, whatever, let's go with that.

• What is up with Beast's hair?
• What is or was the deal with Karima Shapandar? Would I appreciate her more if I did a little research, or does the actual story tell us everything we really need to know about her? (Either way, her name is freaking awesome.)
• Is Pixie really as awesome as everybody seems to think? I mean, I understand that other people go into full-on flail when they see her in the background, but I've never read a story about her or heard anything that really made me want to read a story about her, soooo.
• What is the deal with John Sublime? Specifically, why do Rachel and Betsy bother interrogating him when they are both, you know, telepathic?
• IS JUBILEE STILL A VAMPIRE OR NOT?
• I'm just gonna say it: Kitty Pryde is freaking adorable, but the ponytail is not a good look for her.
• "I understand, there's no way of knowing how much of Karima still exists in there." Again, um, why does telepathy not work that way?
• Why does Rogue, who has superstrength, feel the need to joke with Kitty about how much Hank weighs? Why does Kitty, who knows that Rogue has superstrength, feel the need to help her carry Hank out of his lab?
• When is Storm going to use her powers to do anything other than fly?
• Obviously, I want to know what's going on with Jubilee's son (Shogo), but that's clearly pretty crucial to the plot.
• Aaaaaaand the issue ends three seconds before a bomb goes off! Nice. 

Here's a snippet from the end of the letters page: "But seriously, I think we want to let this team gel a bit before we start messing with it too much --- though there are so many awesome women to choose from, right? That said, the one thing I can say is that while dudes will certainly show up in this book, the guys have their own teams to mess with, right? I mean, how many teams can Wolverine really be on? (answer: a lot, but still not this one)" AND THERE WAS MUCH REJOICING.

NEXT TIME ON X-MEN:  Psylocke (who is still actually wearing actual clothes, while wielding a wicked-looking spear, while manifesting the focused totality of whatever) fights six or seven people at once. I approve. How many milliseconds until the next issue?

My Idea For a Vampire Show

(Before we begin, a tiny confession: I've never actually, you know, liked vampires all that much. There are a fair tiny few who I love quite a lot - notably Caroline from The Vampire Diaries, Drusilla from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Jessica from True Blood, and Con from Sunshine - but, on the whole, drinking blood is icky and the whole "eternal love"  thing makes me want to find a spoon and gag myself with it, and those are pretty much all of my feelings about them.
    So all I'm saying is, if you think vampires are the coolest tortured soul tragic hero sexy beast creatures of the night in the history of ever, you might not entirely appreciate my take on them.)

(Also, I'm aware that this may not be the most original idea ever, but two of the biggest vampire shows on the air right now were inspired by book series, and Dracula is coming to NBC this fall, so clearly originality is not a huge deal, right?)

Our Hero
    Let's call her Hannah, shall we? (I'm not absolutely totally certain this is her name, but it'll work for now.)
    Hannah is an adorable young Asian woman who's been a vampire for about four hundred years (or maybe five hundred; the smaller details of her backstory are not particularly important at this stage of the writing process, and either way she is more than twice as old as, for example, America). She's always hated being a vampire, but about one hundred years ago (more than that? less? yet more backstory), a chance encounter made her see that, duh, there are a lot of bump-in-the-night-y things out there that are even worse than her (including other vampires), and she could be saving people from them. Superstrength, superspeed, and immortality make it pretty easy to be a hero. Well, if killing monsters makes you a hero. Which I'm fairly certain it does.
    When the show starts, Hannah is teaching herself Dutch, Polish, and Sanskrit in her spare time. These are in addition to the twenty-four other languages she already speaks fluently. Because, well, wouldn't you do the same thing if you were never going to die?
    She's independently wealthy (because everyone already knows vampires always are), but travels around working a lot of odd jobs because it helps her a) stay in touch with humans and b) hear about monsters who need killing.
    Hannah is one of twelve vampires - ever - who can walk around in the sunlight without bursting into flames and dying instantly. How she got this power is a pretty crucial part of her backstory; it nearly killed her, and paying for it was not easy.
    Her best friend (who won't introduce herself until the last few minutes of the first episode) is a ridiculously powerful witch.

Vampires: They're Freaking Monsters
    If you're a little too familiar with other series, you might be under the impression that, once you get past their homicidal tendencies, vampires are downright cuddly. Well, not on my show.
    Technically, they only "need" to feed about once every other month, but vampires want to kill whenever they're awake. If they get bored, they are likely to go on killing sprees that are as bad as anything you'd see on Criminal Minds. If you think you can take them, you're wrong. They're fast enough to sneak up behind you and snap your neck - or, for that matter, rip off each of your limbs one by one, tear out your heart, whip out your spine and use it as a whip, et cetera - several times over and over and over before you ever even feel like you're possibly being watched.
    (As for the whole "but they're so sexy" thing . . . well, yes, they're nice to look at and they know it, but they still very much want to kill you. You have absolutely no chance of "taming" one, no matter how great your blood smells. Even if you do manage to find one who's willing to keep you alive for a while, they will eventually get bored and decide to kill you, and, well, they're strong enough to smash through stone with their bare hands. Do you really want one grabbing you and, you know, thrusting?)
    So basically, if you know they exist, you should be totally afraid to go outside after dark for any reason unless you're lucky enough to live in a town with a witch.

No Romance
    No, I'm totally kidding. Hannah falls in love with a human, and they officially start dating a few episodes into season two, but there is no extended "Oh look, here's her love interest! Aren't they cute together? Have we mentioned that they're in l-o-v-e (even though they just met two minutes ago)?" scene in the first episode.
    When they do finally kiss, reactions will be mixed: Some fans will be overjoyed; some fans will wonder where the hell that came from; some fans will yell, "Well, this just got interesting!"; and . . . some people will stop watching.

Villains
    I haven't given this an awful lot of thought - other than "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if Hannah fought a bunch of trolls all the time?" and some hazy ideas about an immortal wicked witch - but, trust me, there would be some villains you could actually hate. You'd cry when they killed your favorite supporting character, you'd cheer when Hannah killed them, and THEY WOULD NOT GET THEIR OWN SHOW.

Witches
    Alright, let's be brutally honest for one second: I'm not a writer. I'm probably never going to write any part of this story in any format.
    So it's completely stupid to speak of spoilers, but I'd spoil quite a few truly excellent scenes (some of which might actually come as a surprise) if I said anything - other than "They hate each other, A LOT" - about the relationship between witches and vampires. (Since Hannah's best friend is a witch, other vampires basically view her as a biological freak. It is absolutely unheard of for a vampire and a witch to not want to kill each other.)
    Oh, well, one thing I can reveal is that, since you can't make someone a witch, there are less of them than there are vampires in the world. Fortunately for us, witches are obviously way more powerful.

Absolutely No Werewolves
    The only thing more boring than a werewolf is a werewolf who shows up on a vampire show for some obligatory Fang vs. Fur action.
    Obviously (unfortunately), they do exist, but they are never allowed to appear onscreen. Whenever they're mentioned, someone has to dismissively point out how pathetic they are.

Fairies
    Kind of a big deal.
    Mostly because I'd like there to be a fairly important recurring character who is a gay guy with some fae blood who discovers that he can start fires with his mind - in other words, a literal flaming fairy. Heh.
    But seriously, fairies are awesome. They could wrap up the entire vampire-witch thing in about ten days. If they gave a shit.

So, that's it. All I'm saying is, I would totally watch this.

P.S. Have I mentioned that Hannah's best friend in the world is a witch? Because it's kind of important.

Ryan Reads Comics: X-Men (Vol. 3) #1

[NOTE: This post is pretty much spoiler-free.]



Or, as I can't help but call it in my head, THE ALL-NEW ALL-FEMALE X-MEN. Heh-heh, I'm a nerd.

Anyway . . .

When I heard that Marvel was really & truly going to re-launch the "adjectiveless" X-Men book with an all-female team, I was thoroughly, completely, utterly, and absolutely psyched. When I heard that Brian Wood was going to write it, and Jubilee was going to be one of the main characters, I knew that I had to go out and buy it as soon as it hit the shelves.

And I was right!

THINGS I LOVED

1. THE CHARACTERS, OF COURSE:
   
   STORM: Well, duh. I mean, I know I'm just the slightest bit partial here (she is pretty much my favorite comic book superhero of all time), but you really can't have an all-female team of X-Men without her.
   Also, I love that she's rocking her mohawk again.

   SHADOWCAT: Pure badass. Everyone loves her, but everyone loves her for a very good reason. Actually, several very good reasons. None of which are really shown off here, but you know she's gonna kick some serious ass as the series goes on. Well, so will everyone else, but it's more of a big deal for Kitty, because her power is somewhat less of a threat. Or so you'd think.

   PSYLOCKE: HOLY COWS, SHE GETS TO WEAR ACTUAL CLOTHES. THIS IS AMAZING.
   Also, she is apparently a telepath again? That's pretty ideal.

   ROGUE: Not sure what's up with her powers these days (she mentions being able to match a train's speed "thanks to Northstar"), but she has superstrength and flight again, so I'm happy.

   RACHEL SUMMERS/GREY/whatever last name she's using now: Honestly, I've never been a huge fan, but she's such an obvious heavy hitter that you can easily understand why they'd want her on this team. I mean, with telekinesis and telepathy, there's no reason (other than her convoluted backstory) to go on not being a huge fan. I guess what I'm saying is, Rachel Grey, I am ready for you to win me over.

   JUBILEE: She's not a vampire anymore, right? Right? Please? I wanna see her blowin' shit up! No, actually, I don't just want it - if I'm gonna keep buying this book every month, I need to see her mutant powers restored! I don't care if the explanation for her no-longer-a-vampire-ness makes no sense, I don't even care if there is no explanation, I just need to see her make some fireworks! Emma Frost once said that she had potential to become one of the most powerful mutants on the planet, and it is about damn time that was explored at least a little! Hey, speaking of Emma Frost . . .

2. So far, Emma Frost is completely absent from this book. I mean, she's a completely brilliant character and all that, but ever since she officially joined the team, she's become almost as much of a spotlight hog as a certain hairy guy with claws; when I heard there was going to be an "all-female X-Men book," I was kind of afraid it might be "the awesome adventures of Emma Frost and her little girlfriends" or something equally dreadful. But no, she isn't even MENTIONED.

3. Words cannot express how grateful I am that no one at Marvel insisted on naming this book X-Women or X-Girls or anything gimmicky. The X-Men have been around since 1963; Storm joined in 1975, Jubilee first appeared in 1989, and the other four joined at different times in between. So my point is, everyone on this team is a veteran X-Man and has proven herself as a hero several times over. If you think of any one of them as "just a girl," you are a moron.
   (Of course, you could argue that "X-Men" is a sexist name, but hey, it was the sixties. They had one girl on the team. She didn't really get to do a whole lot, and she was caught up in quite a few obligatory romantic plotlines. So the way I see it, calling this team "just" X-Men could be taken as a sign of how far women in comics have come.)

4. Seriously, y'all: There are (so far) six people on this team. Every one of them is a woman, and half of them are not white. This shouldn't be a huge deal for a major superhero book in two thousand and fucking thirteen, but it is. And it makes me so. Damn. HAPPY.

THINGS I DIDN'T LOVE

1. For some reason, I wasn't completely crazy about the art. Having said that, I can see how it will probably grow on me (I wasn't completely crazy about Adrian Alphona when I started reading Runaways, but - obviously - he eventually became one of my favorites ever).

2. Kitty Pryde - who, in addition to being a superhero who has been saving the world since she was thirteen, is also, you know, legitimately a genius - says "OMG" in spoken conversation. Twice. That seems . . . off, somehow.

3. And now, my only real complaint about this issue:
   It's too short.
   No, I'm kidding - there's only so much story you can fit into twenty-two pages, and this is Part 1 of 3 - but it really does feel sort of like watching the first seven minutes of a really awesome movie that you've been waiting to see for months and months
   and then hitting Pause for another month.

So, all in all, I am already eagerly anticipating #2.

This is going to be so excellent.