A little less than two weeks ago, I had a bad day that I didn't want to talk about.
The way I saw it then, there were six things I needed to do ASAP.
Let's see how I've been doing, shall we?
1. Move.
Literally in the process right now. The cool thing is, I'll be moving to the neighborhood I've had my heart set on for more than two years.
2. Transfer.
My first day at my new store is September 12th - that's right, a mere two weeks from now. Again, the cool thing is, I've had my heart set on this store for more than two years. Not gonna lie, I'm pretty effin' proud of myself.
3. Start hanging out with my friends a thousand times more regularly than I do at the moment.
Yup. Go me.
4. Read without ceasing.
"Without ceasing" is perhaps a bit of a stretch, but I am definitely pulling out of my initial post-therapy book slump.
5. Take pictures. (I may or may not take a photography class just for fun.)
Ahem. I still haven't done any research about the just-for-fun class, but check this out:
http://fake-photography.tumblr.com/
[Note to self: Really? You're gonna make everybody copy and paste? Geez. You need to get a lot more familiar with Blogspot STAT.]
6. Buy some crayons!
I still think this is a wonderful idea, it's just not a priority at the moment.
Showing posts with label talking to myself. Show all posts
Showing posts with label talking to myself. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
I Have No Memory of Writing This
[Writing stuff like this was a big part of how I managed to get through therapy.]
1. It wasn't my fault.
2. I'm a little bit psychic.
2a. Which is nice, since I no longer feel any sort of pressing need to prove it when I'm right about something and someone else, well, doesn't see it that way.
3. One simple conversation is going to change my life drastically. For the better, although it will probably hurt at the time.
4. Pain is part of life, and it's perfectly natural . . . but love is stronger: The love I feel for others, the love others feel for me, and the love I feel for myself.
5. Yes, I said the love I feel for myself. Because, dammit, I am awesome. I've spent way too much time (sixteen years) not believing that; to quote Relient K, though, "to go back to where I was would just be wrong."
[At the top of the page, I had written REINS RINSE RESIN RISEN SIREN -- they're all spelled with the same letters arranged in different ways!]
1. It wasn't my fault.
2. I'm a little bit psychic.
2a. Which is nice, since I no longer feel any sort of pressing need to prove it when I'm right about something and someone else, well, doesn't see it that way.
3. One simple conversation is going to change my life drastically. For the better, although it will probably hurt at the time.
4. Pain is part of life, and it's perfectly natural . . . but love is stronger: The love I feel for others, the love others feel for me, and the love I feel for myself.
5. Yes, I said the love I feel for myself. Because, dammit, I am awesome. I've spent way too much time (sixteen years) not believing that; to quote Relient K, though, "to go back to where I was would just be wrong."
[At the top of the page, I had written REINS RINSE RESIN RISEN SIREN -- they're all spelled with the same letters arranged in different ways!]
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Ryan's Rules to Live By
[Note: These are, specifically, Ryan's rules to live by -- if you're anyone else, your results may and probably will vary.]
1. Just because you can see the future doesn't mean anyone else can (even if it is bloody obvious). This is okay. Take a deep breath and let things play out.
2. Just because you can see the future doesn't mean it has to happen. Even if it is the most wonderful thing ever imagined by anyone. That being said, "Don't stop believin'."
3. When in doubt, wear black.
4. Depression only has as much power as you give him.
4a. DON'T GIVE HIM ANY.
4b. Whenever he does start hissing in your general direction, smash him with a really big rock. Every time he starts hissing in your general direction for the rest of your life. You can do it.
5. Ponies make (almost) everything better.
6. SETBACKS HAPPEN. They make you feel worthless and that sucks out loud, but they are a totally natural, completely normal part of recovery.
Recovery, by the way, is not an easy thing.
7. If patience was easy (refer to Rule 1 and Rule 2), anybody could do it.
8. Never go anywhere without your camera.
9. Knowing what you want and trying to get it is not a bad thing . . . but you do not have to turn into a total dick -- also, turning into a total dick will usually get you the exact opposite of what you want. Duh.
10. When someone gives you a compliment, whether you think you deserve it or not, just smile and say thank you. Particularly if the "someone" in question happens to be a total stranger.
11. You're stronger than you think.
12. Giving or receiving, forgiveness feels good.
13. Your mom is just one person. There are countless people in your life (not to mention all the people you haven't met yet) who either flat-out don't care or love you more because you're gay.
13a. There are lots of people in the world who think like your mom does, but they are greatly outnumbered by people who . . . know better. It gets better. The future's going to be awesome, because we are all making it that way now.
14. Yes, okay, you screwed up. Big time. That doesn't mean you can't make amends (YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN FORGIVEN, AFTER ALL). That does mean you've learned things since then, and you'll never make the same mistake ever again.
You're really truly awesome now (finally), and all of your friends are damn lucky to have you in their lives.
15. Depression thinks you're fat.
This is a great reason to do an inordinate amount of situps and pushups just because it's a day that ends with "y."
This is a horrible reason to avoid food for days at a time.
16. Try not to take yourself (or anyone else) too seriously.
17. Life is too short to ever be anything but happy.
You're happier than ever, and good for you -- it was not easy -- but there are a few "simple" ways you could be so happy that people's brains start melting (or, um, something like that). Go get 'em.
18. Listen to your instincts. They're almost always right about everything.
19. Dare to hope.
1. Just because you can see the future doesn't mean anyone else can (even if it is bloody obvious). This is okay. Take a deep breath and let things play out.
2. Just because you can see the future doesn't mean it has to happen. Even if it is the most wonderful thing ever imagined by anyone. That being said, "Don't stop believin'."
3. When in doubt, wear black.
4. Depression only has as much power as you give him.
4a. DON'T GIVE HIM ANY.
4b. Whenever he does start hissing in your general direction, smash him with a really big rock. Every time he starts hissing in your general direction for the rest of your life. You can do it.
5. Ponies make (almost) everything better.
6. SETBACKS HAPPEN. They make you feel worthless and that sucks out loud, but they are a totally natural, completely normal part of recovery.
Recovery, by the way, is not an easy thing.
7. If patience was easy (refer to Rule 1 and Rule 2), anybody could do it.
8. Never go anywhere without your camera.
9. Knowing what you want and trying to get it is not a bad thing . . . but you do not have to turn into a total dick -- also, turning into a total dick will usually get you the exact opposite of what you want. Duh.
10. When someone gives you a compliment, whether you think you deserve it or not, just smile and say thank you. Particularly if the "someone" in question happens to be a total stranger.
11. You're stronger than you think.
12. Giving or receiving, forgiveness feels good.
13. Your mom is just one person. There are countless people in your life (not to mention all the people you haven't met yet) who either flat-out don't care or love you more because you're gay.
13a. There are lots of people in the world who think like your mom does, but they are greatly outnumbered by people who . . . know better. It gets better. The future's going to be awesome, because we are all making it that way now.
14. Yes, okay, you screwed up. Big time. That doesn't mean you can't make amends (YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN FORGIVEN, AFTER ALL). That does mean you've learned things since then, and you'll never make the same mistake ever again.
You're really truly awesome now (finally), and all of your friends are damn lucky to have you in their lives.
15. Depression thinks you're fat.
This is a great reason to do an inordinate amount of situps and pushups just because it's a day that ends with "y."
This is a horrible reason to avoid food for days at a time.
16. Try not to take yourself (or anyone else) too seriously.
17. Life is too short to ever be anything but happy.
You're happier than ever, and good for you -- it was not easy -- but there are a few "simple" ways you could be so happy that people's brains start melting (or, um, something like that). Go get 'em.
18. Listen to your instincts. They're almost always right about everything.
19. Dare to hope.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Hey, This is Important!
01. Depression is never right about anything.
My instincts, on the other hand, are almost always right about everything.
02. Depression thinks I'm fat.
This is a great reason to do an inordinate amount of situps and/or pushups just because it's a day that ends with "y."
This is a horrible reason to avoid food for days at a time.
03. Depression thinks I'm no good at making friends. Proving him wrong (which, by the way, easier than you might think) is fun -- fun for me, and fun for my new friends. Everybody wins! Except, of course, for Depression, who loses because he is a loser. And a fuckface.
Also, has anyone else noticed how much more my old friends love me since I got out of group? 'Cause it's a lot.
04. Depression is very very scary, but I AM FUCKING FEARLESS.
05. Depression is weaker than I am. Even when he's at his strongest, he is never even one-tenth as strong as I am on my very weakest day (proof: April 24th). This is because he has no power that I don't give him, and my spirit is indomitable.
06. Depression put up quite a fight, but I won. I saved myself.
He's a pretty sore loser. He's also an idiot. He refuses to admit that he's lost. But fighting him is easier than ever, even when he whips out the most effective attacks in his arsenal, because I don't listen to him anymore. I listen to myself now. I remind myself of everything he ruined for me, and everything he very nearly almost but not quite totally ruined for me, that I have worked so hard (and am still working) to regain.
Also, silly as it sounds, picturing him as a demon I have to fight really helps a lot. Dad was onto something when he said, "Kill him like he tried to kill you."
07. Look how happy I am without him:
My instincts, on the other hand, are almost always right about everything.
02. Depression thinks I'm fat.
This is a great reason to do an inordinate amount of situps and/or pushups just because it's a day that ends with "y."
This is a horrible reason to avoid food for days at a time.
03. Depression thinks I'm no good at making friends. Proving him wrong (which, by the way, easier than you might think) is fun -- fun for me, and fun for my new friends. Everybody wins! Except, of course, for Depression, who loses because he is a loser. And a fuckface.
Also, has anyone else noticed how much more my old friends love me since I got out of group? 'Cause it's a lot.
04. Depression is very very scary, but I AM FUCKING FEARLESS.
05. Depression is weaker than I am. Even when he's at his strongest, he is never even one-tenth as strong as I am on my very weakest day (proof: April 24th). This is because he has no power that I don't give him, and my spirit is indomitable.
06. Depression put up quite a fight, but I won. I saved myself.
He's a pretty sore loser. He's also an idiot. He refuses to admit that he's lost. But fighting him is easier than ever, even when he whips out the most effective attacks in his arsenal, because I don't listen to him anymore. I listen to myself now. I remind myself of everything he ruined for me, and everything he very nearly almost but not quite totally ruined for me, that I have worked so hard (and am still working) to regain.
Also, silly as it sounds, picturing him as a demon I have to fight really helps a lot. Dad was onto something when he said, "Kill him like he tried to kill you."
07. Look how happy I am without him:
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