Sunday, September 15, 2013


1. First of all, just to avoid all & any potentially unpleasant misunderstandings and the hurt feelings they could cause, let's discuss one thing:

    Do not, under ANY circumstances, buy alcohol of any kind and expect me to drink it. For reasons which are still shrouded in some small amount of mystery, I have chosen to live booze-free in 2013. Despite a recurring nightmare about slipping up, I have, in real life, stuck to this goal literally one hundred and fifty-seven thousand fuckin' percent of the time. Since my birthday is a great time to notice that we can just begin to start to see the end of the year and the start of the beginning of next year, I CAN THINK OF NO GOT-DAMN REASON TO GET MY DRANK ON NOW,
    you know?

2. If you live in the magical land of Equestria Washington, you could buy me any blessed amount of something other than alcohol, IF YOU WANT ME TO LOVE YOU FOREVER EVEN IF I DON'T ACTUALLY LIKE YOU THAT MUCH SOMETIMES.

3. Robin McKinley would be one of my favorite authors of all time even if she hadn't written a brilliantly wise wise, weird, wonderful, altogether excellent book about a baker who gets kidnapped by vampires, which gives us one of the most difficult secrets of life, "You are not consumed by the darkness because you are full of light."
    But she did.
    So you can imagine my excitement when I learned that her new book, Shadows, will be available one week & one day before my birthday. (Which is really interesting, since Sunshine - the brilliantly wise book from earlier; note their similarly opposite titles - was released right around my sixteenth birthday. One can only hope she's still writing as my thirty-sixth approaches.)

4. Speaking of Sunshine, I used to own a gorgeous first-edition hardcover that, other than a few memorable mishaps involving my klutzy fingers attempting to drink hot tea & read at the same time, was in perfectly pristine condition.
    And then I mailed it to my very first ambiguously evil ex-boyfriend (who, at the time, hadn't yet dropped the "ex" - in retrospect, this was the 157,000th red flag that I spectacularly failed to notice) and it vanished into the ether, never to be read again.
    Yes, this is precisely, specifically, why Franklin & Dewey invented the library system, but I do intend to replace my lost copy someday. OR, WITH YOUR HELP, "SOMEDAY" COULD BE "MY 26th BIRTHDAY."

5. One more Robin McKinley hardback I "need" to own someday is a delightful re-telling of the tale of Sleeping Beauty called Spindle's End.
    Along with Sunshine, this story proves, perhaps incontrovertibly, that she writes about magic better than any other author who is not Terry Pratchett, Diana Wynne Jones, or Neil Gaiman himself.

6. Yet another book that I think of as "one of mine" even though I do not actually legally own a copy at the moment is Born Confused by Tanuja Desai Hidier. (Unlike the Robin McKinleys above, I'm not picky about hardback vs. paperback, or even American edition vs. British edition.)
    I happen to know, for an actual fact, that it can occasionally be found at the Half-Price Books on 86th Street in Indianapolis, Indiana.
    If you live in Indianapolis, AND WANT ME TO CRY HAPPY LITTLE TEARS OF FAIRY JOY, you could buy a copy for cheap and mail it to me.

7. Speaking of cheap ridiculously cheap books, I've recently decided that one of my more meaningful "before I'm thirty" goals for science is to own at least two copies of every Animorphs book ever (there were fifty-four books in the main series, plus two sets of four-book-long side series).
    So, again, I direct you to Half-Price Books and other stores of its ilk. If you see ANY and think it might be a good idea to buy them for me, the answer is yes! Duplicates are accepted & encouraged; my goal to own AT LEAST two copies of all sixty-four books is a MINIMUM estimate.

8. Finally, it is obviously another goal to own enough copies of Harriet the Spy that everyone I've ever met could borrow one and never give it back.
    (Which would be okay, since I have a perfectly perfect, potentially first-edition, hardback that no one else is allowed to touch.)
    Or, if you want to speed things up a bit, you could buy YOURSELF a copy, then read it (or re-read it) and tell me what it meant to you, what it taught you about life, etc.
    Wait, what? Spend money on a present that's going to someone other than me, FOR MY BIRTHDAY? Why, yes. Expect to see more of that as you continue to read this list.

9 through 20. Obviously, I always need more Ponies (and more and more and more and then a few more after that; PONIES FOREVER, BASICALLY), so there are a fair few options!

    09. Black Tie Fashion Style Pinkie Pie
    10. Black Tie Equestria Girls Pinkie Pie
    11. any other version of Pinkie Pie that you can find wherever you find Ponies; there is no such thing, in Ryanville, as "too much Pinkie Pie"
    12. Fashion Style Rarity
    13. the Equestria Girls two-pack with Twilight Sparkle & Sunset Shimmer
    14. any Spike toy who is standing on two legs like he does in the show (this would include Build-a-Bear Spike)
    15. Fourth Dimension Pinkie Pie plush
    16. Funko Vinyl Pinkie Pie
    17. Funko Vinyl Pinkie Pie variant (WITH SPARKLES)
    18. any Nightmare Moon toy that you can find wherever you find Ponies
    19. any other Funko Vinyl who is not Fluttershy
    20. basically, any Pony out there who is not one of those terrifying-nightmare-monster-looking bloody awful babies

21. If there is someone in your life (other than me, obviously) who might appreciate a Pony, IT WOULD MAKE ME SO HAPPY if y'all would buy one and give it to her (or him or them or whatever) and capture the reaction and share it with me.
    BONUS POINTS if it's Pinkie Pie (everyone everywhere could use some Element of Laughter) or Rarity (the Element of Generosity generously regenerates itself, over and over and over, without ever stopping).

22. If you, personally, have not yet seen Pitch Perfect or The Heat, you could buy yourself a copy of either or both and watch so we can talk about them, and so you will realize how hilarious it really is every time I say "157,000" anything for the rest of my life.
    If you have zero interest in either of these movies, think of something else we'd both appreciate this much, and either get it into my hands or just instruct me to watch it. (For example, you could catch up on The Mindy Project and join me for season two!)

23. Ask Julie Plec, "Hey, Julie, were you born a racist, or did you decide to be racist as you grew up and developed a mind of your own?"
    AND/OR: "Hey, Julie, were you born with a horrible hatred of witches, or did you decide to hate witches as you grew up and developed a mind of your own?"
    AND/OR: "Hey, Julie, what is Kevin up to these days? Other than being too fabulously brilliant to return your calls?"

24. Whether it's through text or e-mail or voicemail or regular mail or Twitter or Facebook or Tumblr or Flickr or this very blog or plain old words that come out of your face and into my face,
    say something funny.
    Because "the perfect gift for me
                  "is a smile as wide as a mile."

25. Check out my Twitter (@wickedbish). Stop reading if you don't start laughing. When you do start laughing, keep reading, and encourage others to do the same.
    Ask yourself, "Have I mastered the art of giving no fucks as well as Ryan clearly has?" If you have, keep it up! If you haven't, take notes & make more of an effort to give less of a fuck.
    Because as long as something makes YOU happy, it is worth doing. Trying to make other people happy is a waste of time. Other people don't have to stay in your head every second of their miserable lives. YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, DO. So, unless you can make them happy in a way that makes you happy, don't give them more than half a thought in the first place.
    Insert very famous, very relevant Dr. Seuss quote here.
26. Last of all,

    Be honest.
    Be kind.

    Laugh as much as you can.
    Be loyal.
    Be generous.
    Do magic, and let magic happen around you.
    On my birthday, yes, but most especially & most importantly, do this EVERY OTHER DAY OF THE YEAR FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, PLEASE AND THANK YOU AND YOU'RE WELCOME.

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