Monday, September 2, 2013

13 TV Shows That Become Even More Fun When You Are High Enough For Reading Rainbow

1    Buffy the Vampire Slayer
        In the very last episode, Buffy shrugged off a mortal wound and got up and told the First Evil, "I want . . . you . . . to get out of my face."
        Which was before Xander saved the world with his mouth and the words that came out of them.
        Which was before the MUSICAL EPISODE.
        Which was before Giles killed a hell-god with his bare hand - that's not a typo, he just only needs one hand to kill a hell-god because, well, he's Giles - and didn't even tell anyone about it because Buffy had just sacrificed herself to save her sister and, oh, the universe.
        Which was before Buffy & Xander & Willow & Giles told Adam, "WE CAN. WE ARE FOREVER."
        Which was before the second half of the two-part episode about Faith pulling a Freaky Friday with Buffy. (This was the very first episode I ever saw, and it was VERY CONFUSIFYING.)
        Which was before Buffy explained that her life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it.
        Which was before Willow got hit on the head with a library bookshelf AND THEN showed the very first signs of her innate magical potential to become the most powerful witch anyone anywhere had ever dreamed of, just THINK ABOUT THAT for one second.
        Which was before Buffy didn't let a little thing like drowning to death stop her from preventing her first apocalypse.
        Which was before Buffy calmly explained that "You know, stalking's not a big turn-on for girls," EDWARD.*

2    Gilmore Girls
        They never stop eating, they never stop talking, and they always say stuff like this:

            "Maybe if we concentrate, our combined psychic powers will somehow move it closer."
            "I don't . . . think . . . it's working."
            "It's my fault, I'm not focusing."

        And they make enough literary references for an English major to get pregnant, unless it's a boy English major, because we all know boys don't get pregnant even when they're English majors.

3    Avatar: The Last Airbender
        "I AM THE GREATEST EARTHBENDER IN THE WORLD! AND DON'T YOU TWO DUNDERHEADS EVER FORGET IT." Toph Beifong (is it Beifong or Bei Fong? Google bit me earlier) is a girl who really has the right attitude about life. We should all aspire to be more like her.
        Also, meat & sarcasm.

4    The Legend of Korra
        WELL, DUH.
        As if the original series wasn't one of my top three favorite TV shows of all time (which, for obvious reasons, it is), this one gives us a story where the Avatar, the most powerful person on the planet,
        is a girl.
        'Cause Mike & Bryan just can't be bothered to give any fucks.

5    My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
        Honesty + Kindness + Laughter + Loyalty + Generosity = MAGIC

        What else can you even say?
            baked bads   
            chimicherry or cherrychanga
            the. worst. POSSIBLE. thing
            I'd like to be a tree
            What are you, a dictionary?
            I bet you can't make a face like this
            Spike's head weighs so much more than the rest of his body that he almost falls over backward whenever he runs, for example, at the beginning of every episode in the theme song
            Applejack Applejack Applejack

        Need I go the fuck on?

6-8    The Mindy Project, Parks & Rec, and 30 Rock
        The comedy in these shows is so all-over-the-place that following exactly what's going on to make you laugh so hard is pretty much, well, not exactly an endurance sport, but you will be on the edge of your seat, and you might laugh until you begin to start to develop abs (fingers crossed forever).
        So, if you have quality weed, ONE season of ANY of these THREE shows could easily provide nigh-unlimited entertainment for at least a month.
        Trust me, I speak from personal experience.

9    Will & Grace
        Karen would approve.

10    Samurai Pizza Cats
        If you've ever heard anything about this show, you know, deep in the deepest depths of your very soul, you know I'm right.
        If you've never heard anything about this show, the fact that "Samurai Pizza Cats" is literally its actual name ought to give you some sort of hint that it just might pair well with marijuana.

11    Criminal Minds
        You can forget about how hot Shemar Moore is and then remind yourself, and then forget again, and then remind yourself that you reminded yourself to remember this time, before ultimately coming to the conclusion that it's impossible to gaze upon the perfection that is Mr. Moore without always being incredulous that any one such physically flawless human being is allowed to survive.
        All I'm saying is, during the course of one episode, you could go through the entire revelation process that I've just described so many times that, well, "the limit does not exist."

        Furthermore, you can easily get high enough to think you've solved the case before Reid (because you don't realize that you've actually seen the episode before, back when you were sober and the show wasn't as good as it could be).

12    Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

        Do I even fucking need to FUCKING explain this one?
        I don't, but I will: When you watch it without commercials, one episode of this show lasts for twenty minutes. Maybe nineteen, maybe twenty-five. Any way you slice it, that is not an awful lot of time.
        And yet. When you watch it without being tied down to worry (and other no-fun things sobriety can cause humans to feel), each episode, and I can prove this with science if y'all are willing to hang out sometime, is approximately two hours long, sometimes two and a half.
        There WILL come a time when you ask yourself, "I know the heroes don't die in this franchise until you get to Lost Galaxy, but seriously, how are they going to get out of this one?"
        When they do, indeed, get out of this one, you'll be so damn happy.

13    My Drunk Kitchen
        Technically not a TV show, but kindly shut your face and bite the fuck out of me.
        A fun thing to do (this is fun even when you're sober, believe it or not) is grab a friend who's never heard of it, make them sit down, refuse to explain it to them any further than "she drinks and cooks, in that order," insist that they watch it, refuse to hear that they don't feel like an Internet video right now,
                and then just sit back and listen to how hard they laugh. You laughed that hard, once. With weed in your life, you WILL laugh that hard again, possibly as soon as the end of this sentence.

*When I sat down and started writing today, I thought the Buffy reasons would end with, "Welp, you should start to see where I'm going with this." Obviously, a dig against Twilight is always a better way to end a discussion about why Buffy is so gosh-damn awesome.
P.S. Go to YouTube and search for "Buffy vs. Edward."

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