Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Good Months and Bad Months

I've been out of therapy and back at work for a little more than two months.

When I was a freshman in high school (circa 2003), my English teacher had the walls of her classroom covered with "cute" posters. The only one I remember had a picture of Garfield - who, as we all know, is famous for hating Mondays, isn't that just hilarious? - underneath the words, "I HAVE MY GOOD DAYS AND MY BAD WEEKS."

I hated it. (And not just because Garfield has always gotten on my nerves.)

I hate it even more now, because I think it's kind of true.

Sort of.

Despite being introduced to the perfect new roommate and finding the perfect apartment in the perfect location and finally getting approval to transfer to my dream store and successfully confronting my manager at my current store about some stuff that was getting on my nerves (note: she actually thanked me for this), I, Ryan Timothy Bish, have had one "bad day" after another lately. My attitude is great (okay . . . mostly great), my friends are so supportive that it's honestly sort of suffocating sometimes (friends, if you're reading this, PLEASE DO NOT STOP. I promise I will keep demanding that you respect my boundaries and letting you know when I need "me time," so please continue suffocating me. I need you all more than ever right now. Recovery sucks almost as much as depression), things with Mom are as good as they reasonably could be, I have four Laurie Halse Anderson books waiting for me at the library . . . and yet, I am tired all the time (even right after I wake up from a decent night's sleep). And it's not a "being awesome is exhausting" sort of tired, believe me - it's an "I don't give a fuck about anything because I just want to sleep forever because I don't give a fuck about anything; holy cows, is it still Tuesday?" sort of tired.

Which I have not felt since I was still in therapy.

Anyway. The other day, I had a thought: Maybe, while you're still "in recovery" (ugh) (how long does that last, anyway?) (forever?) (longer than forever?) (one day less than forever?) (more or less than six months?), you should stop thinking in terms of "good days" and "bad days." Maybe it would be more - not helpful, exactly, but saying efficient or productive would make you sound like a tool, and I can't think of any other synonyms that aren't pure psychobabble - to start thinking of "good months" and "bad months." After all, last months was pretty much pure awesome from start to finish. This month? Not so much!

Then again, maybe it would be an even better idea to stop thinking in such general terms at all, and just be thankful for the good moments. If you happen to have so many of those that they add up to a good day, well, good for you. If you go through a week or three and you can only remember a tiny handful of good moments, well, oh fucking well. Have some more good moments the next week, or the week after that. Or not.

Either way, don't beat yourself up about anything. Remember, recovery is not easy. It is, in fact, the hardest thing you've ever done. It's so hard that it makes things that seemed like a big deal when you did them (doing stand-up for the first time even though Sho couldn't make it even though she had been the one to push you to do it so soon; coming out to Cara; deciding to ignore how scared you were and just say "yes") feel easy - no, not just easy. It makes them feel mundane. Anybody could do them. Also, when you did them, you were still not doing anything about Depression, so all the hugs and all the kudos to you, bitch!

. . . All of which has been a very, very, very roundabout way of saying that I am just not feeling it today, you guys. I am in a serious funk.

Also! The second I sat down to write this entry, it occurred to me that I have always (?) said, "August is a bad month when bad things happen."

It's nice to know how right I was.


Alright, alright, here's something slightly more upbeat, taken from a conversation I had with my friend/older-sister-from-another-mister Kiki on Google+ about an hour ago: "The important thing, though, is that I love you and I love myself. Compared to that, [everything else is] meaningless."

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