Eleven Things I Want to See in Season Four of The Vampire Diaries

WARNING: If you haven't already seen "Departed," the finale of season three, this post contains major spoilers.













1. Somebody --- absolutely anybody, but Rebekah might make the most dramatic sense --- finally kills Klaus.
    To be clear, I think Klaus was a great villain.
    "Was" being the operative word in that sentence.
    In season one, the closest thing we got to a Big Bad was Katherine. In season two, we found out that most of the horrible things she did had less to do with the fact that she's an evil bitch (and, as a vampire, a complete badass who is also, you know, a cold-blooded killer and kind of a sociopath) and more to do with her desire to stay away from Klaus, "the oldest vampire in the history of time." Who was after Elena and determined to get to her, no matter who he had to kill on the way. And that was a good time (well, a good time for the audience; for the characters, not so much).
    But then came season three, when it got pretty clear that someone (read: everyone) on the writing staff was in love with Klaus, to such an extent that he is (directly or indirectly) the source of just about every conflict for every other character for the entire season.
    Which is all well and good, but . . . well, if you've seen the season finale, you're either giddy about the possibilities or, like me, just fucking over it.

    Unfortunately, this is not going to happen. I'm pretty sure I've read at least one article about how Joseph Morgan will still be part of the cast. With this in mind, I offer an alternative:

1a. Bonnie puts Klaus back in his own body, but messes with his memories.
    She doesn't have to give him complete amnesia (although that would be awesome to watch, wouldn't it?). She could just, for example, make him deathly afraid of ever messing with Elena again (not that he has any real use for her now that she's a vampire --- which, by the way, means that the Petrova line is ended and there will never ever be another doppelganger, ever --- but when has Klaus ever let a little thing like logic stand between him and murder?).

2. We finally get to meet someone supernatural who is not a vampire, a witch, a werewolf, a ghost, an Original Vampire, a vampire-werewolf hybrid, a doppelganger, or a medium.
    Please?
    I'd really love it --- I mean, REALLY love it --- if we could meet a wicked fairy. (You know, kind of like Maleficent?) She could be a shapeshifter. Just for starters.

3. We finally get to meet a character who is a) not American and b) not a villain.
    'Nuff said.

4. For the first six or seven episodes, Elena hates being a vampire.
    This would actually make a lot of sense, given her reaction when Damon and Stefan suggested turning her as a way to protect her from Klaus in season two. Also, it would be great if a) Caroline is the one who eventually convinces her that it's not all bad and b) someone makes a joke that, hey, at least now everybody else doesn't have to protect her all the time.

5. Elena hates Damon.
    You know, because now she'll know that he compelled her to forget that they actually met a few hours before her parents died and has been lying to her (and everyone else) about this ever since then?
    I mean, I kind of sort of want them to end up together someday, but he needs to
earn it. Yeah, yeah, he's come a long way since season one, but he's still willing to do things like kill her best friend's long-lost mother in order to "protect" her, and . . . that's gotta stop.
    Also, it would be great if their reconciliation comes about because someone tries to kill him (which, let's face it, is not exactly a stretch) in the woods or something, and she can either leave him there or use her newfound superstrength to save them both.
    And then they can make out in the rain, and everything will be deliciously, wonderfully cheesy. Until the next episode.

6. Bonnie's new attitude does not dissolve overnight.
    In the season three finale (which, by the way, is one of the best episodes in the entire freaking series), Bonnie --- who, up to this point, has spent basically the whole series either being afraid of her own magic or seriously reluctant to use it because she might accidentally hurt someone --- defiantly tells Klaus, "Spirits don't get to tell me what to do anymore. I'm done getting pushed around by all of you. I did it because I wanted to."
    This scene, which is something I've been waiting to see since practically forever, gave me chills.
    I'm kind of expecting her to go back to never doing any magic unless she's pushed into it (well, okay, she wasn't quite that bad. But very nearly) as soon as the new season starts, and can I please be wrong?


7. Caroline and Tyler break up.
    Nothing against Tyler --- who, quite obviously, is one of the hottest guys in Mystic Falls --- but I've found him dreadfully boring ever since he was turned into a hybrid. I mean, I don't fall asleep whenever he's in a scene or anything as bad as that, but . . . well, I just don't think he has quite enough whatever-it-is to keep dating my favorite vampire in all of fiction.
    Also, this could lead to . . .

8. Caroline and Bonnie fall in love.
    I know, I know. They've both been established as firmly heterosexual since the pilot, and who wants to see yet another series make two of its most prominent female characters "go lesbian" just for the hell of it?
    But actually, when you think about it, this could make perfect sense.
    Bonnie's exact age hasn't been spelled out, but she's either seventeen or eighteen. Caroline celebrated her eighteenth birthday in episode 3x11, but she'll technically be seventeen forever. And, let's face it, seventeen or eighteen is a time when quite a lot of people begin to question their sexuality, yes?
    (Furthermore: This isn't something that's ever been mentioned canonically, but I tend to think that it's silly for vampires --- in any media, not just this show --- to identify as gay or straight or bi or anything. I mean, they're basically just big metaphors for sex sex sex, sooo wouldn't it make more sense for them to be attracted to anyone with a pulse, regardless of gender?)
    Alternatively:

8a. Caroline falls for Bonnie, who does not reciprocate.
    Or the other way around. Who doesn't enjoy a little unrequited love?

9. Now that she's a vampire, Elena finds Stefan totally boring.
    Because, well, duh.

10. Caroline becomes Stefan's "new Lexi."
    Oh wait, this is actually supposed to happen!
    . . . Which kind of makes something like absolutely no sense, what with Caroline still being a "baby" vampire, but WHO CARES? She's awesome! And it's been firmly established that Stefan has a serious problem with drinking human blood, so he really does need someone in his life who isn't afraid to give him some tough love and, if necessary, be a total bitch every time he even thinks about it.
    And occasionally get violent.
    And, come on, how cool would it be if that someone was Caroline?
    So actually, it sort of makes perfect sense.
    Well done, writers.

11. Elena kills Katherine.
    She may not be nearly as much of a threat as Klaus, but she's still wicked dangerous, and . . . well, it would just be really cool. I don't even know what else to say.
   
    OR:

11a. Bonnie kills Katherine --- from a distance, because she can do things like that with magic --- and, just to be mean, makes her think she's dying by Elena's hand.
    Actually, I sort of hope this doesn't happen.
    Because my freaking brain might freaking explode from all the awesome.








How many days until October 11th?

111 Girls Who Kick Ass, Number 13: Katara

(Note: I had wanted to make this "Numbers 13-19" and cover all the girls from Avatar in one go, but I just haven't felt up to it. Which is not necessarily an entirely a bad thing, since the part of my brain that cares about writing anything has been mostly absorbed with taking notes on an original story - which, to the shock and awe of absolutely no one, features my own girl who kicks ass - for the past few weeks.)

First things first, she kicks ass as a character. Avatar: The Last Airbender is Aang's story (he's both the Avatar and the last Airbender) (well, the last Airbender until he grows up and has a son, who goes on to have four children . . .), but I would argue that, other than him, Katara is more crucial to it than anyone else.

Or, to say that another way, the show is kinda-sorta the story of Aang as told through Katara. Which I guess doesn't necessarily prove that she kicks ass, but it's a rather nifty storytelling device, and I think that's pretty cool, and who's writing this list again? Oh, right. It's me.

Anyway.

Katara and her brother Sokka (who are probably my favorite set of fictional siblings ever) appear in the very first scene of the very first episode, and remain major characters for the rest of the series. In all that time, does Katara get a single scene where she doesn't kick ass in one way or another?

To start with, let's reflect on that very first scene of the very first episode. If it wasn't for Katara, Aang would've stayed in the iceberg for who knows how long (probably forever) and the war would've gone on indefinitely and the Fire Nation would've subjugated the entire planet. (Or . . . everybody would've learned how to stick up for themselves and do what's right without relying on the Avatar to do all the heavy lifting.*)

Of course, she frees him from the iceberg accidentally, which introduces a somewhat problematic (vaguely Mary Sue-ish) theme for her Waterbending that's played out for the majority of Book One: She's either a hopeless novice who can barely fight her way out of a scrape with more than two non-Benders, or she's A WATERBENDING PRODIGY THE LIKES OF WHICH THIS WORLD HAS NEVER KNOWN omg. Also, she can use her Bending to heal, because hey, why not?

By the end of Book One, the Gaang make it to the North Pole, where they meet a headstrong Waterbending Master. He's honored to teach the Avatar, but he refuses to teach Katara because she's a girl. Apparently, boy Waterbenders are supposed to fight and girl Waterbenders are supposed to heal.

FUCK THAT NOISE.

Katara, being Katara, challenges him to a duel, right then and there. (This is one of the best fight scenes in the entire series, by the way. And that's saying something.) She loses, but he does agree to teach her. She then blazes through training and becomes a Master in her own right, and spends Books Two and Three teaching Aang.

Just to recap, she's fourteen years old and teaching the Avatar, the most powerful being on the planet.

That's pretty badass right there.

Look, I could go on and on about how much ass she kicks for quite a while, but I'll limit myself to two more examples (partly because, as much as I love her and love this show, I'm already starting to get bored):

• In the ENTIRE series, she is the ONLY person to EVER make Azula step back and look nervous during battle.
• Between this series and The Legend of Korra, there are exactly five Waterbenders who learn the art of Bloodbending (which, by the way, fans had been predicting since day one). Katara is one of them. The other four are evil, or at least morally ambiguous. (This is never spelled out, but I think it's heavily implied that Bloodbending slowly corrupts you - Katara, unlike the other four, only uses it three times.)

So, that's Katara. She kicks ass.

Seriously, if you haven't watched this show already, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?

P.S. Oh, also! Katara is the only character from the original series to appear on Korra in real life (so far) and, not only was she Korra's Waterbending Master (how many Benders can say they've trained two Avatars? I'm guessing not very many), but she is STILL regarded as the best healer in the world.





*WHAT.

111 Girls Who Kick Ass, Number 10: Bonnie Bennett

"Bonnie Bennett. How do I even begin to describe Bonnie Bennett?"

Well, I guess it makes the most sense to start at the beginning, since the beginning is where all of this started: If I hadn't found out that the main character's best friend was a witch, I never would've ever given The Vampire Diaries --- which is based on a book series that seemed stupid when I was TWELVE --- so much as half a chance.

It's been about a year since I did start watching (although it feels longer), and she is still my favorite character, but she also frustrates me more than anybody else.

But before we get to that, since this is a show where so much of the "plot" is driven by romantic bullshit, let's briefly examine her relationships:

1. In season one, after every other main character has paired off with someone while she was busy discovering witchcraft, she finally finds the courage to talk to Ben, a bartender at The Mystic Grill. It doesn't go very well because he turns out to be a vampire who wants to kill Elena (of course) . . . but, even before we get there, you can't help but wonder, what the hell is a seventeen-year-old high school junior doing going on a date with a guy who's old enough to be a bartender? I mean, sure, he's hot, and if you're gonna make a bad decision about a guy, the time to do it is when you're seventeen, but the fact that he's into her should've set off her spider-sense. Or, at least, Elena's. She's usually fairly level-headed about these things, but in this case she just came short of physically pushing Bonnie to talk to him.
2. In season two, she starts dating Jeremy. Who is Elena's little brother. Considering that Elena and Bonnie have been best friends since childhood and think of each other as sisters and either of them would die to protect the other, this is creepy. Shouldn't she think of Jeremy as her own little brother? But anyway, even if you're immune to the creepy, there's really no denying that they have one of the most boring romances in the history of the show.
3.  In season three, she finally reconnects with her mother, who abandoned her when she was a toddler (long story). She's surprised to find that her mother has adopted a son, Jamie, who is about her age. After her mother is turned into a vampire (again, long story), they lean on each other for comfort and that's great. But then she asks him to be her date to a school dance. Her date. Come on, guys. We know you're not technically related, but you have the same mother. What is wrong with you?

ALRIGHT THEN. Now that we've got that out of the way . . .


Bonnie Bennett is the most powerful character on The Vampire Diaries. Now, to be sure, I have a knack for making statements like this about my favorite characters --- but, in this case, there's really no way you can make so much as a half-coherent argument for anyone else being even in her league (unless they turn out to secretly be a witch or warlock, which would be literally impossible for Klaus, Finn, Rebekah, Elijah, Stefan, Damon, Caroline, Tyler, Alaric, or Elena).


Unfortunately, even when you consider that she's still relatively new to being a witch and doesn't know everything there is to know about magic yet, she's a bit too powerful. There are so many plotlines that don't get resolved because the writers won't let her go near them because she's the only character who could do anything about them . . . but if she did anything about them there'd be no conflict and without conflict there'd be no drama and without drama we'd all be watching some godawful kooky sitcom.


(For example: When Damon and Elena come up with a "secret plan" to finally kill Klaus about halfway through season three using that episode's Ultimate Original-Killing Weapon One of a Kind Only One in the World Act Now TM, it is a very elaborate plan. Which, naturally, blows up in their faces. Because they don't give Bonnie anything to do. Because, from a storytelling perspective, she can kill Klaus by pretty much standing there and saying, "Hey, Klaus --- just DIE already!" Only, you know, in Latin.)


After three seasons, I still find Bonnie's arc to be more interesting than any other character's (although Caroline and Elena are very close seconds). I'm very excited for season four, because it looks like she is FINALLY realizing how powerful she really is and I'm hoping against hope that this new attitude actually sticks.


You know, it's possible that so far I haven't done a very good job of convincing you, the reader, that Bonnie Bennett does indeed kick ass. Fair point. I have just kind of been rambling about other aspects of her character (which, by the way, I REGRET NOTHING; most of this is stuff that's been bugging me for a while).


So here you go.


I think we've all gotten quite tired of Klaus by now --- but, when he was introduced in season two, "the oldest vampire in the history of time" was quite a big deal. They can't kill him because he doesn't have a body, he's determined to kill Elena, and he'll gladly kill anyone who gets in his way. What do they do, then?


Well, here's the very best plan that the heroes (who, at this time, included three vampires, one vampire hunter, and a werewolf) could come up with:


* Distract him.
* Stay out of his way.
* Let Bonnie do some witchcraft in his general direction.
* Hope for the best.


Anyway. There's a lot more I could say about Bonnie and how much it bugs me that she's so hesitant about her own powers (even if you ignore every other thing she can do with magic, there's no getting around the fact that she could easily toss everyone else around like rag dolls with her thoughts) and how badly I want her to track down an older wiser witch to teach her more and how much I wish Lucy would come back and how annoyed I am that "the vampire-hating Bennett witch" has never killed a single vampire


. . . but, oy vey, I think that's enough for now.

Why I Love Korra SO DAMN MUCH

Well, first of all, duh.

Avatar: The Last Airbender is one of my three favorite TV shows of all time; to this day, despite multiple viewings of all episodes, I can still pick an episode at random and start crying -- not because it's sad or happy or whathaveyou (although there is plenty of that going on, too), but because it is just so good as a story. Every single aspect, from the animation to the voice acting to the music to the characterization to the plot to the history to the mythology to the action, is SO GOOD that you just can't handle it (well . . . maybe if you don't have a soul).

So it was a given that I would love the sequel series, too.

. . . Okay, honestly, I can't even go into detail about how much I love it yet. I am still processing. I'd like to provide full recaps of the first two episodes, but they wouldn't be very interesting to read: "So then this happens and I love it, and then Korra says something funny and I love her for it, and then there's a scene that I just absolutely love . . ."

But there is one point that I want to make:

The main thing I'm loving about Korra so far -- which should not come as a surprise at all to anyone who watched the original series* -- is that absolutely no one finds it weird or "wrong" or surprising that the Avatar, the most powerful person in the entire world, is

a girl.








*Kyoshi, Yangchen.

My Thoughts on Once Upon a Time

Note: As of this writing, I have only seen episodes one through twelve. If any of my gripes or theories have been addressed or proven wrong since then, please don't tell me.




1. It pretty much goes without saying, but I am almost always going to love any sort of fairy tale that's not intended for children (example: Wicked). That being said, I really can't explain why it took me so long to start watching. Several people told me they just knew I would thoroughly enjoy it . . . and, what do you know, they were right.

2. Back in September or October (in other words, not long after it premiered), I read some article somewhere about how the show was drawing criticism from fans of Fables (which is about as not-intended-for-children as it is possible to be) who felt that it was a ripoff of that series.

What.

I don't even know how to respond to that. Yes, okay, both series are about fairy tale characters living in the real world, and both series give Snow White a prominent role, buuuuuut those are the only real similarities. There are a ton of differences. Off the top of my head, these are some of the biggest ones. In Fables:

* All of the fairy tale characters remember who they are. They came to New York to escape the Adversary, who is also a fairy tale character (I won't spoil his or her identity, but it was originally going to be Peter Pan) who's been systematically killing the rest of them off for centuries.

* Snow White is the deputy mayor of Fabletown, and Old King Cole is the mayor.

* Snow White divorced Prince Charming, who went on to marry Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty (in that order?). None of them are on very good terms with him, since he's a complete jerk.

* Boy Blue is Snow's assistant; one of his first lines in the whole series is about how it's not a good idea to ask her about the dwarves. The audience doesn't find out exactly why for quite a while.

* Rose Red is a major character from word one.

* And so on and so forth.

3. Speaking of Fables, there's a scene early on where Snow White recovers from an injury that should've been fatal ("head trauma" is an understatement) and Rose Red -- who, obviously, is her twin -- complains that she can never really die because the Mundies (that's us!) keep re-telling her story over and over and over.

Once Upon a Time is an excellent example of that. Not only is the whole thing yet another retelling of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves," it goes out of its way to turn other classic fairy tales into that story. Which is especially interesting when you consider that two different movies based on it are going to be released this year.

4. Probably my favorite thing about this show is that there's no shortage of female characters who kick ass -- Emma, Snow, Regina, and Gretel are the best examples so far, but I've been spoiled enough to know that Granny and Red Riding Hood will reveal their badassery in good time -- and absolutely NO ONE seems to think there's anything abnormal about a woman kicking ass.

5. Was "Regina" the Evil Queen's name in the Enchanted Forest, or did she adopt it upon coming to our world? If it wasn't always her name, what was her name back then? I know it's a little thing, but this really bugs me.

6. I really really like the relationship between Henry and Emma.
Sort of.

7. The Hansel & Gretel episode got on my nerves just a bit. I mean, alright, it's Hansel & Gretel, we all know exactly how that story goes. The witch tries to cook them and they cook her. The end. But here's my question:

ONE of the TWO things we got to see the Blind Witch use magic for was telekinesis* -- so how were they able to lock her in the oven? There's plenty of folklore about iron being impervious to magic, so that could've explained it . . . so how hard would it have been to include a line to, you know, explain that?

Which leads me to . . .

8. It was established in the pilot that the Evil Queen can teleport. So, other than "for dramatic effect," why is she always riding around in that pretentious carriage?

9. For that matter, why does she need guards?

10. In episode two, the Evil Queen pays a visit to Maleficent and teases her for being defeated by Sleeping Beauty. So wait, why is Maleficent still alive?

11. You know, I think it's kind of cool how they've been working other fairy tales into Snow White's story, but it's really rather pointless. We already know how her story ends. Even if we didn't, the pilot makes it clear that she and Prince Charming get married and have a baby and live happily ever after. Well, almost.

All I'm saying is, they keep throwing things like dead dwarves and emotion potions and long-lost twin brothers into the story; they're cool, but they rather lack dramatic tension.

12. The writers are clearly making an effort to populate the Enchanted Forest with people of color, and I love that a whole lot, but . . .

none of them get to do anything!

(Cinderella's fairy godmother does NOT count.)

Which really bugs me, because -- unless there's someone I'm not thinking of right now -- Snow White is just about the only fairy tale character ever who is specifically described as having white skin. Anyone else could be any ethnicity in the world, but they are all white white white.

Well. Except for the Evil Queen (her actress is Puerto Rican) and the Genie (he's half black and half Italian).

Good going, show.

13. It would be really cool if they made somebody gay.

14. It would be almost as cool if they made one of the more popular princesses totally evil. (Example: There could be a VERY GOOD REASON Maleficent is still alive . . .)

15. I'll try not to rage about this too much, but the Beauty & the Beast episode really pissed me off. I did quite like the actress they chose to play Belle, but I did not like the direction they went with for the Beast at all. (I felt a bit like the main character of Sunshine -- which, if you haven't read yet, go track it down right now -- who is annoyed that most artists in her world tend to portray him as looking like a vampire.)

16. There are quite a few questions I would really like to have answered sooner than later, such as:

* Why the hell does Regina even want Henry?

* If Regina is so hell-bent on making sure no one gets a happy ending, ever, why does she keep going around saying things like, "Miss Blanchard, stay away from Mister Nolan OR ELSE"?

* Does Regina still have her powers? If so, why doesn't she use them to keep everyone in line and deal with Emma? Is Emma's mere presence weakening her hold over the town? If so, why doesn't she realize that?

* Why didn't Regina just kill everyone? That would've been a great way to destroy their happy endings, right?

* When is Emma going to start believing Henry about the curse?
Seriously, the show can't go on like this forever.

17. This show is really really pretty to look at. Not the cast (although, um, WHAT'S UP, PRINCE THOMAS?), the backgrounds. The forests and the skies and the meadows and the lakes. Sweet God.

18. If Emma is so so so good at telling when someone is lying, how the hell does she not realize that Sidney Glass is in Regina's pocket?

19. I'm really going to be pissed if they try to portray the Evil Queen in a sympathetic light. She's one of the most evil characters I've ever encountered in any story in any medium, and I really love to hate her. It's gonna suck if I eventually have to start feeling sorry for her.

Well, okay. That would maybe make her more of a well-rounded character, but seriously. How bad can her life possibly have been so far that she had to try to murder her stepdaughter -- not to mention that whole thing where she ripped out her father's heart so she could send every fairy tale character ever to our world and mess with their memories in the process?

20. I find it very interesting that, so far, everything we've seen that's happened in Fairy Tale Land has technically been a flashback.

21. Ginnifer Goodwin and Jennifer Morrison are adorable together. I adore them both individually, and I can totally buy them as mother and daughter.

22. So far, I'm not exactly loving what the show has done with Rumpelstiltskin.



*Yes, I know that, technically, using magic to move stuff around is not exactly the same thing as "telekinesis" . . . but seriously, bite me.

Which Witch is Best (and Why)

NOTE: This post is completely free of TVD spoilers!


So it's never been a secret that, as far back as the pilot, I have found it pretty much impossible to stop myself from comparing Bonnie Bennett of The Vampire Diaries to Willow Rosenberg of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Today I'd like to talk about why I think Willow is a better witch -- although, honestly, I suppose I could just say something like

Willow is not only my favorite witch in all of fiction, she's pretty much my favorite fictional character of all time. Bonnie is neither of those things.

The end.

. . . But that wouldn't be very much fun to read, would it?

Anyway.

To break the whole thing down in a way that's as simple as it is uncomplicated, it seems to me that Willow is a better witch for two reasons, which I will discuss "at length" (a phrase which, in this context, can be read as "until I get bored"):

1. She is occasionally given storylines that have little or nothing to do with being a witch, and that makes her a stronger character.

Which may be somewhat unfair to Bonnie, whose first line in her first scene in the first episode was, "So, Grams is telling me I'm psychic -- our ancestors were from Salem; witches and all that" (note that I am quoting from memory, so the line may not be exactly verbatim) . . . but that just reinforces the point, don'tcha think? I mean, we are almost done with season three, and what do we know about her? She's Elena's best friend in the world; they're so close that they consider each other sisters. She's a witch who comes from a family of witches. She . . . oh, wait, THAT'S IT. There is absolutely nothing else to her character: anything that we've found out about her in nearly three years has had something to do with witchcraft (example: we finally got to meet her mother, and, well, yeah).

In stark contrast, we know plenty about Willow that has absolutely NOTHING to do with witchraft. Her crush on Xander, her friendship with Buffy, her Jewish background, her status as the smartest student in school, her romance with Oz, her strained relationship with her parents. All of this was established very early on in the series, and it made her a remarkably strong character, and that made her a better witch.


2. She made her own rules about magic.

To compare each of them to other witches from different works, whereas Willow greatly resembles Granny Weatherwax (widely regarded as the most powerful witch alive; doesn't know the meaning of the word "impossible"), Bonnie is more akin to Hermione Granger (very intelligent, very powerful, but rarely uses magic for anything she hasn't read about in a book).

I mean, just think about how much Willow has accomplished with magic. She restored Angel's soul (twice!). She saved her own life by floating a pencil. She attracted the attention of D'Hoffryn, even though she had never done any vengeance. She saved Buffy from the astral realm. She hurt Glory, who was a GOD (again, twice!). She brought Buffy back to life. She broke that whole "one girl in all the world" rule.

To hammer the point home: In the final season, the Big Bad is (kind of sort of) Satan By Another Name. One of the first things he does when he comes to town? He tries to convince Willow to kill herself because his plan would be so much easier without her around to muck things up.

Now, then. Bonnie. To be clear, I don't think her by-the-book approach to magic is necessarily a bad thing. She's obviously performed some pretty extraordinary feats, and she is one of only two humans Klaus views as a threat (note that the other is also a witch). Both of which are all the more remarkable when you consider that she's known about her powers for less than TWO YEARS.

But . . . seriously, it's like she forgets how powerful she is sometimes. Most of the time. I get that Klaus is a Big Damn Deal, and without him the show wouldn't be nearly as dramatic, but she's the one character who can really hurt him without some silly Deus Ex Machina one-of-a-kind super-special weapon, and she seems to spend all her time either worrying about who he's going to hurt next or sitting on the sidelines while the rest of the heroes try to take him out. Or, worse yet, letting him manipulate her into helping him!

So I guess what I'm saying is, I'd like to see her put down her books and start using her power. Stop fretting about what magic "can" or "can't" do, and make it work for her.

Just a thought.

Why I Love What I Love: Witches

In my last post, I mentioned "some" of my favorite witches in all of fiction. Today, I thought it would be fun to talk a bit about exactly why I like them so much. Here goes . . .

Rachel, Alex, and Daphne from the godawful stories I've been writing all my life
 Well, obviously I'm rather fond of my own characters.

Nancy, Rochelle, Bonnie, and Sarah from The Craft
 How can you not enjoy the heck out of this movie? It's the perfect guilty pleasure . . . and by that, I mean it makes for a really great drinking game.

the cool aunt from The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley
Since it's Marion Zimmer Bradley, this book is chock-full of characters who learn everything there is to learn (i.e., everything she personally has to say) about pseudo-realistic magic, which is kind of sort of not quite exactly the same thing as neo-paganism.
Which is actually genuinely interesting to me (I may not be religious, but I do find religion pretty interesting), but still, considering how most magical characters in this book have to consider the phase of the moon and invoke the Goddess to do something as simple as light a candle, I found it so very satisfying when Morgause (that's the cool aunt's name -- thank you, Wikipedia!) finally realizes, in what is essentially a throwaway scene, that the power is there to use whether you believe in the Goddess or not.
Also, two cool things about this book:
1. You know how Wicked re-told the story of The Wizard of Oz by casting the villain in a more sympathetic light and examining her motivation and all that? Years before Gregory Maguire even got the idea, this book did the same thing for the legends of Camelot.
2. Unfortunately, I can't remember exactly how old I was the one time I read it, but I was somewhere between the ages of thirteen and barely sixteen. At this point in my life, I read so many books that, if my mother had known I was reading, would've horrified her. This one may have been the worst. Even if you turn a blind eye to all the rampant paganism going on, even if you ignore the fact that every single Christian character is portrayed in a fairly negative light, the story is chock-full of, for example: rape, incest, violence, murder, deception . . .

Endora from Bewitched
I'm gay. She's one of my icons. Why are we still talking about this?

Marnie and her family from Halloweentown and its sequels
I'm gay. I like Disney Channel Original Movies. This is a bit of a "duh," you know?
But seriously, I love that moment in the second movie where Marnie convinces her siblings that they can break the rules because their magic is the most powerful in the world. I just, I don't know. The way I think about fiction, that's how magic should work. You're as powerful as you think you are. Need to get through a portal to another dimension even though it's impossible? Well, do you THINK you can figure out a way to do it?

all three generations of Owens sisters from Practical Magic - the book, NOT the movie
Oh, Alice Hoffman is good. She knows how to tell a story. This was the first book of hers I ever read, and it's still hands-down my favorite. I learn new things from it every time I re-read it (which, these days, I only let myself do on very special occasions, because I've read it so many times).
If you've ever heard someone talk about "Magical Realism" and you're not as familiar with the genre as you'd like to be, read this book.
As for the movie . . . it's not that I don't enjoy it, it's just so very different. It's less Magical Realism and more straight-up Fantasy. Which I am obviously okay with, but much of what makes the book so special (example: Kylie's empathy) is lost in translation.

the witch queens from Stardust, either the book or the movie
Oh, sweet Lord, can Neil Gaiman write about magic. He just GETS IT, you know?


Thessaly from The Sandman
Speaking of how Neil Gaiman knows how to write about magic.


Professor McGonagall and Molly Weasley from Harry Potter
Okay, I've loved Molly from the moment we first met her at Platform 9 3/4 . . . but "NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!" is my favorite scene in the entire series. 'Nuff said.
As for Professor McGonagall, she's been my favorite character since the very first time I read the very first chapter of the very first book. This is a series full of characters I love and characters I love to hate, but not once in seven books did anyone ever come close to taking her place.
AND THEN I FOUND OUT THAT WE HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY.

Twilight Sparkle from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, because yes, she totally counts
Okay, so whether or not she counts as a "witch" is perhaps up for debate, but for me, it's close enough: She's the smartest main character; she has a familiar; all Unicorn Ponies have a knack for some sort of magic, but her knack is for magic in general; she carries the spark that activates the Elements of Harmony; and . . . that's about it.
Alright then. That explains why she's on this list. Now, here's why I love her so much: As the protagonist of a show aimed at little girls, she's an amazing role model. She does magic all the time, right, but she NEVER makes funny rhymes or chants or invokes the power of the sun or anything like that. How does she do magic? She reads, she learns, and then . . . she uses her brain to affect the world around her. If you don't understand why that makes her a greater role model for little girls than, say, Hannah Montana, please go get sterilized right now.


Juniper, Gentian, and Rosemary from a short story in a book I read long ago that I think was called Things That Go Bump in the Night
I actually just found this book on Amazon and bought it for four dollars. I haven't been able to track it down for about ten years, so you can just imagine my excitement. All I really remember about this story, other than the sisters' names, is that I effing loved it.

pretty much any witch from any fairy tale ever
This is another "duh."


Rita Repulsa from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
Every single episode of the first season kicked off with her motivation: "Aaaaah! After ten thousand years, I'm free! Time to CONQUER EARTH!"
That's right. She's been imprisoned for ten thousand years, and as soon as she's finally released, her first and only priority really is that simple: CONQUER EARTH!
All I'm saying is, that's how you make a memorable villain for a children's show.

Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty
Well, duh. She turns into a dragon. Do you realize how much I adore dragons?
Also, I really like the Disney version of this story because, when you think about it, the Prince and the titular Princess are almost incidental to the plot. It's really about her conflict with the three fairies.

Nico Minoru from Runaways by Brian K. Vaughan and Adrian Alphona
Ahh, Runaways. If you like comic books that aren't "typical" superhero stories and you haven't read this one yet, go track it down RIGHT NOW. For a quick summary, it's about six kids who find out that their parents are secretly supervillains -- crime bosses, mad scientists, time travelers, evil mutants, alien invaders, and dark magicians -- and run away and try to stop them from destroying the world. SO MUCH BETTER than it sounds.
Also, one thing I adore about Nico? She's Japanese, but her ethnicity is never an issue. She doesn't, for example, write kanji in the air whenever she casts a spell. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's so refreshing to see an Asian character who isn't all "hey, look at how Asian I am!"

Granny Weatherwax, Nanny Ogg, Magrat Garlick, Agnes "Perdita" X. Nitt, and - most especially - Tiffany Aching from Terry Pratchett's Discworld books
In my experience, there are only two living writers who write about magic nearly as well as Neil Gaiman, and Terry Pratchett is one of them. (Robin McKinley is the other.)
Picking a favorite Discworld book is somewhat like picking a favorite Shakespeare play, but I do strongly prefer the books about Tiffany. I really like the notion that magic and witchcraft aren't quite exactly the same thing: Being a witch means you have to heal the sick and lay out the dead and settle village disputes and a thousand other little things; but then it also means you have to do complicated, nearly impossible, feats of magic to defeat unspeakably evil forces because, well, there's no one else.
Also, the books are literally so funny that you occasionally have to drop them so you can laugh without risk of a paper cut.

Elphaba and Glinda from Wicked by Gregory Maguire
As I explained in my last post, these two have bugged me since the first time I ever saw The Wizard of Oz, so this book (which, by the way, I read at least a year and a half before the musical was a thing) was such a relief.
And the sexual subtext certainly didn't hurt.

certain characters from Robin McKinley's Sunshine
Yeah, "certain characters." That's all I can say without revealing some pretty massive spoilers. All I'll tell you up-front is that this is a book about a baker who gets kidnapped by vampires. But there are a few things I can say . . .
1. Robin McKinley is famous for re-telling fairy tales, and she's ridiculously good at that, so it was nice to see her write about magic in a more contemporary setting. (Well, okay, not so much "contemporary" as "post-apocalyptic.")
2. Most of the time in vampire fiction, the existence of vampires is a huge secret. That is most definitely not the case here: Every car company in the world has an anti-vampire ward worked into their logo. That's just fascinating, isn't it?
3. There's one scene where . . . um, a magic handler (no one is actually called a "witch") tells another character who knows a bit about magic that she's just done something impossible. (I know this is sort of confusing, but seriously, I would hate myself if I spoiled ANYTHING.) The response is basically, "You couldn't have done that if you had been told that it was impossible."
4. I will always always always love this book for the following line: "You are not consumed by the darkness because you are full of light."

the Sanderson sisters from Hocus Pocus
How can you not love this movie? Seriously?


Frau Totenkinder from Fables by Bill Willingham et al
Once upon a time, fairy tales were most definitely not for children. Fables is an excellent reminder.
So the thing I like about Frau Totenkinder (who, by the way . . . um, if you speak better German than I do, her name is pretty chilling right away) is that, despite potentially being any unnamed wicked witch from any fairy tale ever, she's one of the most heroic characters in the whole series.
Also, her duel with Baba Yaga is that much more epic because we never got to see it.

Willow Rosenberg and Tara Maclay from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
In a list full of "well, duhs," this is unquestionably the biggest "WELL, DUH."
It's common knowledge that Buffy is my favorite TV show of all time, so of course the main character's best friend is going to be one of my favorite characters in all of fiction. That would've been true even if she wasn't a witch. Since she is, though . . . well, as I keep saying, DUH.
I really don't even know what to say. I like Willow and Tara, together and separately, so much that trying to describe exactly why I like them is a bit like trying to explain to someone who's looking right at me that I have dark hair. You know?





Anyway. That was fun.

More later.

Much love,
Ryan

P.S. You may be wondering why the sisters from Charmed were not allowed anywhere near this list. The answer to that is so long that it may be the subject of a future post. You'd think I would like this show as much as I like Buffy, but you'd be emphatically wrong.

How and Why I Gave The Vampire Diaries Half a Chance

Long story short: This is all Adam's fault and I may never forgive him.

Long story long:

As any fan who's not completely unobservant can tell you, The Vampire Diaries is "based upon the book by L. J. Smith." Or, more accurately, book series. There are four books, published in 1991 and 1992, that inspired the show: The Awakening, The Struggle, The Fury, and Dark Reunion.

Considering how much I (obviously) love the show, this may come as a bit of a surprise, but I have never given any of the books a chance, and probably never will.

Let's back up . . .

I'm twenty-four years old. It's probably pretty safe to say that I read a lot more than the "average" twenty-four-year-old. When I was twelve, though, I read even more. Picture what Hermione might have been like if Ron and Harry hadn't saved her from the troll and finally befriended her. That's not how bad I was. Picture what Hermione might have been like if she never got a letter from Hogwarts, never discovered that she could do magic, and was stuck in a school that did not even come close to meeting her intellectual needs. That is how much I read. Basically, I only ever did things like go to church or mow the lawn or go to bed at a decent hour* because my parents said I absolutely had to.

So, obviously, I spent more than a little bit of time of at the local library. I was, in fact, there so often that most of the staff recognized me and most of my family, and at least two of them knew me by name. I read whatever I could get my hands on - mostly Animorphs (which, to this day, is still one of my favorite pieces of fiction in the history of fiction), any sort of mystery, M. E. Kerr, Neal Shusterman, Walter Dean Myers, Jean Thesman, Gregory Maguire, Louise Rennison, and Paula Danziger. Even if I didn't actually take it home and read it, I had a passing familiarity with pretty much everything in the library's juvenile fiction/YA section . . . including The Vampire Diaries.

Now, I want to be perfectly clear. I have no lack of respect for L. J. Smith. According to the "paying your light bill" theory of writing talent (Stephen King?), she obviously has enough to fund quite an early retirement, so more power to her. But I never ever felt like reading any of her books because, despite featuring enough occult elements to send my mother into conniptions (which was usually my definition of a rollicking good read), even when I was twelve, they sounded ridiculous. Here's what I gathered from reading the backs of the books and occasionally skimming through them: After meeting her super-hot vampire boyfriend and his dark and mysterious vampire brother who also wants her, Elena Gilbert has a bunch of misadventures that lead to the following complications: She dies. She comes back as a vampire. She dies again. She comes back as an angel. She has different sets of wings that do different sorts of magic. She lives happily ever after or something.

Sorry, but I'm just not going to read that. Unless there's a cute girl (preferably with superstrength) running around killing them and looking like a total badass, I have never cared for vampires very much. Drinking blood is icky.

Fast forward to the fall of 2009. Wont as I am to hang out in bookstores, I was aware that the series had been adapted for television almost as soon as it happened, even though I haven't had "real" TV at home since before I was old enough to drink. So I saw the posters and the tote bags and the re-released actual books (now with actors on the covers) and they brought back vivid memories of my twelve-year-old fed-up-ness; my reaction at the time was basically, "Even if this was a good idea, True Blood already did it better, bitches."

Fast forward again to the very early spring of 2011. My best friend in the world, Adam -- well, okay, he's one of my ten or so best friends in the world; I'm pretty blessed in that department -- had recently come out to me (note that I realized he was gay about three seconds after meeting him . . . in December of 2008) and we were bonding over how much we were attracted or not attracted to this or that actor from this or that TV show, blah blah blah. He very quickly told me that he had just started watching this fairly new show called The Vampire Diaries and fallen heels over head for both of the male leads and I should start watching it so I could fall equally hard. But I told him about how familiar I already was with the books, and how much I was not interested in them, so for a while the subject was dropped.

In the last week of April 2011, my depression, which I had spent basically my whole life denying (note: It probably would have been a lot easier to start dealing with when I was twelve if I hadn't been stuck in such a shitty school at such a crucial time in my life. But that's water under the whatever at this point), spiraled the hell out of control. So I took a medical leave from my job and enrolled in some pretty intense group therapy and found that I had a maddening amount of free time. Which, to be sure, is a very very very good thing. Therapy is exhausting. Even though you look forward to it, you dread going there every day; even if all you do is listen, you spend the rest of the day feeling burnt out. You're not allowed to drink or use drugs, so you have to deal with your feelings all on your own, which is probably fairly new for you (let's face it: if you were more accustomed to dealing with your feelings all on your own, you probably wouldn't have landed yourself in group).

So, obviously, I spent a lot of that free time on the Internet. I finally started watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, which was SUCH a good thing -- to make another long story very short, when you're dealing with depression and feeling totally alone in the world even though friends you didn't know you had have suddenly come out of nowhere to tell you how proud they are that you're finally dealing with depression, it does you an insane amount of good to hear that loyalty + laughter + generosity + honesty + kindness = friendship, which is literally the exact same thing as magic -- but there were only so many episodes, you know? They couldn't take up all of my free time.

Anyway, one day I got bored enough to read about the show on tvtropes.org (which, if you've never visited, I don't recommend unless you tell someone you're going there first and ask them to check up on you; otherwise you'll still be poring over character pages six days later, and your list of stuff to check out will be about a mile high), where I came across a bit of information that radically altered my entire stance on the show: Bonnie was a witch. She was also the main character's best friend. THE MAIN CHARACTER'S BEST FRIEND WAS A WITCH.

The sound I made when I read this was pretty fricking hilarious.

At this point, we need to talk a bit about my history with witches.

When I was two or three, my mother sat me down to watch The Wizard of Oz. Now, obviously, I was already familiar with the concept of witches -- we've always been a fairly Disney-heavy family, and Mom has this big book of fairy tales from when she was a kid that she made sure to read to all three of her children because she's a good parent like that -- but, up until then, when I heard the word "witch," I mostly thought of Ursula from The Little Mermaid or The Queen from Snow White and got all terrified (note: I was afraid of The Queen, not The Hag; I didn't really start to believe that The Queen was entirely fictional until I was at least seven years old, and for the longest time I honestly believed that she was going to jump out of my closet and eat me whenever I was naked -- yeah, I know, analyze that one).

The Wizard of Oz was different, though, right from the start. I don't know what it was, but something about The Wicked Witch of the West made me fall in love with her right away. I couldn't figure out why she was supposedly so "wicked," either. If a house fell on me and my shoes miraculously survived, I'd certainly want my little sister to have them, and I'd be pretty angry if a total stranger showed up and took them from her.

And then there was Glinda. The Good Witch of the North. Right. Good. SAYS WHO? First she gives the dead woman's shoes to the girl who inadvertently killed her, even though her sister obviously deserves to keep them, then she sends Dorothy off on a quest to meet the Wizard so he can send her home. Then, AFTER THE WHOLE MOVIE HAS ALREADY HAPPENED, she conveniently remembers that, oh hey, the shoes she forced her to steal have the power to take her home whenever she feels like it.

I think it's safe to say that this was the first time in my life a fictional character made me so angry.

I just flat-out did not get it. The "Wicked" Witch was clearly misunderstood and mistreated; the "Good" Witch was clearly a manipulative little snot. Oh, and also? Her dress was tacky.

So, ever since then, I have been absolutely fascinated by the notion of witches in fiction. Good or evil, funny or serious, ridiculously powerful or not so much, pseudo-realistic or entirely made-up, whether they actually call themselves witches or not, their presence in a story almost always ensures that I'm going to enjoy it about ten times more than I would without them.

(For those who are curious, some of my favorite witches include: Willow Rosenberg and Tara Maclay from Buffy the Vampire Slayer; Frau Totenkinder from Fables; the Sanderson sisters from Hocus Pocus; certain characters from Robin McKinley's Sunshine; Elphaba and Glinda from Wicked; Granny Weatherwax, Nanny Ogg, Magrat Garlick, Agnes "Perdita" X. Nitt, and - most especially - Tiffany Aching from Terry Pratchett's Discworld books; Nico Minoru from Runaways; Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty; Rita Repulsa from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers; pretty much any witch from any fairy tale ever; Juniper, Gentian, and Rosemary from a short story in a book I read long ago that I think was called Things That Go Bump in the Night; Twilight Sparkle from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, because yes, she totally counts; Professor McGonagall and Molly Weasley from Harry Potter; Thessaly from The Sandman; the witch queens from Stardust, either the book or the movie; all three generations of Owens sisters from Practical Magic - the book, NOT the movie**; Marnie and her family from Halloweentown and its sequels; Endora from Bewitched; the cool aunt from The Mists of Avalon; Nancy, Rochelle, Bonnie, and Sarah from The Craft; and Rachel, Alex, and Daphne from the godawful stories I've been writing all my life.)

Sooo, when I finally found out about Bonnie, I fell out of my chair and thrashed about for a second, snatched up my phone, and quickly typed up a text message to Adam: "If you wanted me to watch The Vampire Diaries so much, why the FUCK didn't you mention that the main character's best friend is a witch?!" Always one to take things in stride, he nonchalantly replied, "Elena's best friend Bonnie is a witch. Now watch."

So I did, and I haven't looked back since.

Which you'd think would be the end of this post, and it probably should be, but I feel compelled to mention that the witchcraft is not what kept me watching. As I said, I got into the show while I was going through therapy. It turns out that experiencing fiction and feeling what the characters feel is a pretty excellent way to cope with depression (and quite a bit easier than therapy, although it's obviously no substitute), so it was the (platonic) relationships between the characters that made me go from "alright, I'll give it a chance since there's a witch at the center of things" to "sweet holy Moses, I actually thoroughly enjoy this show!" I really started to fall in love with Elena in the pilot when she follows Jeremy into the bathroom and he tells her that she needs to "chill herself," and my heart melted a little later in the pilot when Stefan said "You won't be sad forever, Elena." So, yeah, there you have it.

Oh, also, the fact that my mother is indirectly responsible for my fascination with witches will always be deliciously ironic. Heh.

More later.

Much love,
Ryan










*Which, by the way, Mom and David? Do either of you have any idea how often I stayed up reading by the light of my glow-in-the-dark watch? Because it was a lot.

**The movie isn't bad, but it's so different that Warner Brothers could've given everyone different names and probably gotten out of paying Alice Hoffman any royalties without any kind of legal repercussions.

Dear Blogger

PLEASE STOP EATING MY POSTS.

The end.

Love,
Ryan

Five More Things I Really Like About The Vampire Diaries

NOTE: This post contains mild to major spoilers for the first two seasons.

1. Sheriff Elizabeth Forbes
If you've ever seen any other vampire show in the history of television, you'd probably expect the local sheriff to be completely unaware of the supernatural and/or totally incompetent when she has to deal with it. In that case, prepare to be pleasantly surprised.

2. The Siblings
I know this is technically more of a "romance" show, and I suppose there's not exactly anything wrong with that, but my favorite relationships are those between brothers and sisters, or characters who think of each other as family: Elena and Jeremy (the scene where he tells her to "chill herself" in the pilot was one of the biggest reasons I started to love the show), Matt and Vicki, Elena and Bonnie and Caroline, Stefan and Damon (their complicated relationship with each other is infinitely more interesting than any whatever either of them have going on with Elena at any given time), even Klaus and Rebekah.
I guess I didn't really explain that one, but it sort of explains itself, yeah?

3. The Heartwarming Moments
So when the writers try to tug at your heartstrings, they either get it really wrong or really right.  Some of the most noteworthy times they got it right (in other words, some of the most memorable scenes that made me cry like a little girl) include Elena's complete breakdown when Bonnie dies in "The Last Dance," Liz and Tyler to the rescue in "The End of the Affair," Elena's attempts to comfort Jenna in "The Sun Also Rises," and Matt's reunion with Vicki in "The Reckoning."
Also, special mention goes to that one silent scene in "Ghost World." You know the one I'm talking about.

4. Elena Gilbert: The Anti-Bella
Long story short, Twilight makes me afraid to ever have a daughter for fear that she will one day grow up to be anything like Bella. On the other hand, The Vampire Diaries gives me hope that she might be a little bit like Elena.
To break it down a little bit:
Despite meeting a totally hot vampire who's completely in love with her when she's seventeen, Elena actually has goals for her life that have nothing to do with him!
Despite meeting a totally hot vampire who's completely in love with her when she's seventeen, Elena DOES NOT WANT TO BE A VAMPIRE. The thought literally drives her to tears.
When Stefan doesn't call her for a few days, she says she doesn't want to be one of those girls who falls apart without a guy in their lives. OH SNAP.
She actually has friends.
I could go on, but I don't want to spoil season three.

5. WITCHCRAFT
Okay, so Bonnie may have a knack for forgetting that, oh hey, she can move things with her mind. And her friends might have a knack for not asking her to help them deal with vampire problems even though she's the only main character (and probably one of the only humans ever) who has managed to hurt an Original Vampire . . .
. . . but, other than that, there are so many things that this show gets spot-on, such as:
* Bonnie tends to do "big" spells (for example: activating Caroline's daylight ring) in total silence, no chanting whatsoever. Unfortunately, as the show goes on, they seem to be getting more and more inclined to have her chant in order to do just about anything; fortunately, she never chants in any language other than pseudo-Latin (or is it just straight-up real Latin? I'm not that much of a linguist).
* So far, we haven't met any witches who worship any sort of goddess. Not that there would be anything wrong with that, thematically speaking, but I personally prefer witches who are crazy powerful just because, you know?
* The whole "witches hate vampires" thing, best summed up in 3x8: "A witch is nature's servant; a vampire is an abomination of nature. You can either be one or the other, never both." Which FINALLY confirmed a theory I've had since practically forever.
* When a witch wants to set something on fire, she does not conjure a cheesy CGI fireball and throw it. She just points at whatever it is and, boom, fire. Or she sets fire to water, which I could not figure out for the longest time, until it hit me that, in real life, that's not actually water -- it's clear and it's liquid, but it's totally flammable. So my point is there's a remarkable lack of horrible special effects, and that's nice.
* I really like how witches are born, not made (or, technically, I guess they're born and then made). They exist because nature needs help maintaining the balance or what-have-you. Vampires and werewolves, on the other hand, exist because witches abused their power. They shouldn't exist. Which I suppose I should've mentioned two points ago, but I don't know how to use backspace.
* More often than not, when a witch does magic, the only thing about it that's supernatural is that there's a witch doing it.

TVD 3x11: Some Spoiler-Free Thoughts

(Well, um, this may contain something like half a spoiler if you don't have a passing familiarity with season two . . .)


So, last episode ended with a fairly big moment. I enjoyed it much more than I ever thought I would (much like the show itself, amirite), but I was distracted by the music, which sucked out loud. And I do mean LOUD. If they absolutely had to use that particular godawful song, couldn't they have abruptly stopped it so that the sudden silence would've made the fairly big moment even more dramatic? I mean, that just makes SENSE. It was especially jarring because the music on this show is usually so so so bloody good . . .

. . . and then this episode kicked off with "Punching in a Dream" by The Naked and Famous, and my faith was restored.

Bonnie made me laugh so hard that I had to start the scene over after I regained my composure, which I'm pretty certain has never ever happened before in the entire history of the show. Ever.

This episode is called "Our Town," which is a reference that I would've loved even if the episode itself had sucked -- as a recovering theater geek (our motto, obviously, is: "One Play at a Time"), that is still, and always will be, one of my favorite plays ever, whether I'm watching it or acting in it. Love love love. (Actually, I love it even more because most of my fellow theater geeks hated it.)

Caroline just turned eighteen. Which means she turned seventeen sometime in season one. Which means that, when Damon compelled her to have sex with him and let him bite her, she was still only sixteen. I mean, not that there's that much of a difference between sixteen and seventeen -- the whole thing is disgusting no matter how you slice it -- but that just makes it even more horrible. Although I do have to grudgingly admit that he has come a long, long way since then. He's arguably had more character development than anyone else.

Something tells me I'm gonna have a whole heck of a lot to say about whatever the flaming hell is happening between Caroline and Klaus, but I'll wait and see how that develops.

Because I just can't help myself, I've been mentally comparing Elena to Buffy, Bonnie to Willow, and Caroline to Cordelia since the pilot. This episode REALLY made me draw parallels between Elena and Buffy. They are both determined to protect their loved ones from supernatural forces no matter what -- which is even more of a badass trait in Elena's case, since she doesn't have superstrength to back it up.

The more I think about it, this is how I see it: Bonnie and Caroline are my favorite characters on the show (usually), and Caroline is my favorite vampire ever, but . . . Elena is one of my favorite characters in all of fiction. Period, the end. I didn't expect to like her very much at all, but I like her more and more and more the longer I watch. She makes my soul happy. I know how cheesy that sounds, but I don't give a fuck.

I've been saying for a while that vampire-Caroline is a much better person than human-Caroline, right? In this episode, her best friends said pretty much the same thing. I'm blown away that they actually acknowledged that in-universe.

In order for there to be any conflict whatsoever, the heroes often need to act dumber than dirt. (For example, two episodes ago Damon and Elena concocted a "secret plan" to kill Klaus. It was actually a pretty decent plan, but it still failed miserably -- probably because THEY DIDN'T ASK BONNIE TO DO ANYTHING EVEN THOUGH SHE'S THE ONLY PERSON WHO WE'VE EVER SEEN HURT HIM AT ALL.) That is once again the case. I'm sorry, but how obvious is it that the fourth coffin, the one that's sealed by magic, is holding Mama Witch? So bloody obvious.

So I can't really go into detail since I said this would be "spoiler-free," but this episode really changed my perspective on some stuff and made me want two things:
1. I want Stefan dead.
2. I want Elena to kill him.
So really, I guess that's just one thing.
Seriously, he has crossed a line. There are no words to convey the depths to which he has sunk. I am appalled.

Six Things I Really Like About The Vampire Diaries

NOTE: This post may, and probably will, contain mild to major spoilers for the first two seasons.
(Although, having said that, I started watching season one more than halfway through the original airing of season two; I went in knowing full well that Character A becomes a vampire, Character B and Character C hook up, etc. . . . and that did absolutely nothing to spoil my enjoyment. So I'm just saying.)




1. Supernatural Hierarchy
In the first two seasons, we meet vampires, witches, werewolves, Original Vampires, and ghosts.
Ghosts are a bit of a mystery, so let's focus on the other four.
Actually, you know, I was going to examine this a bit more in-depth, but here's what it boils down to: Witches are vastly more powerful than vampires, werewolves, or Original Vampires. They're naturally immune to compulsion, they can hit vampires with a mind whammy that hurts them far more than vervain, novice witches can throw people around with their thoughts. And so on and so on.
As for werewolves: This has so far not even been hinted at in the show, but it is my personal belief that a werewolf bite is fatal to vampires because the witch who came up with the curse (when are we ever going to get around to hearing that story?) specifically made it that way. "Nature demands balance" and all that.
So yeah, long story short, witches are the bitches in charge.
Which is interesting, when you think about it. Vampires and werewolves have been around in Story for centuries and centuries, and they're basically nothing more and nothing less than metaphors for some of our most primal fears. Witches have been around even longer, in real life and in Story, and they were originally just people who knew things other people didn't. And yet, in almost every fictional universe you've ever heard of, they're the ones you go to when you need to stop vampires or werewolves or unspeakably evil forces who are older than time.
All I'm saying is, that's pretty cool.

2. The Humor
It doesn't happen very often, but occasionally, this show makes me drop everything and laugh so hard I fall out of my chair. Usually due to a deadpan line uttered by Caroline or (much less frequently than you would think) Damon. For example, that time in "Masquerade" (one of my favorite episodes, by the way) when he tells her to "skip the teen drama."

3. Vervain
Compared to Buffy, vampires on TVD are - I don't just want to say "more powerful" - FUCKING SCARY. They're so fast you'll never see them coming; they're so strong they can shatter your spine with two fingers; they can use MIND CONTROL on you (for example, to make you forget that they had sex with you and then drank your blood); if they've ever met a witch, chances are she's created a piece of jewelry that lets them walk around in the sunlight without bursting into flames; they almost instantly heal from things like being stabbed in the gut, and having their eyes gouged out only takes a few hours until they make a full recovery; they're not affected by holy water or garlic or religious symbols of any kind; and they're more or less impossible to kill.
So thank goodness they're so ridiculously susceptible to vervain.
Drink just a little of it and drinking your blood will debilitate them long enough for a stake to the heart.
Hold it in your hand, or wear a locket that contains a little, and they won't be able to compel you.
Dilute it in water and it basically turns into Vampire Acid.
Touch them with it and they burn.
Along with the whole invitation thing, this little herb is probably the only reason anyone in Mystic Falls can sleep without nightmares.
Best part? It ACTUALLY EXISTS. The writers did not make it up.

4. Caroline Forbes
When Bonnie's busy forgetting that she can move things with her mind (even though that's THE VERY FIRST THING SHE GOT THE HANG OF after finally learning about her heritage) and Elena's upset about her epic vampire romance love triangle woes (gag me with a spoon), she is always there to step up and say something awesome or do something awesome and make my soul do a happy dance.
Also.
I've loved her since that scene in the pilot, but my love for her really skyrockets during season two. I find it very interesting that becoming a vampire seemingly turns her into a better person.
Also-also, believe it or not, but I tend to hate vampires as a general sort of rule (drinking blood = icky). Caroline is hands-down my favorite vampire in all of fiction.
Also-also-also, I love how the writers felt the need to insert a vampire-werewolf love triangle into the show (because that's always so FASCINATING, am I right?) . . . but in this case, the vampire is the girl. The human is one of her would-be suitors.
And, speaking of romance . . .

5. Despite it being a "romance" show, pretty much every female character eventually becomes a total badass.
'Nuff said.
Elena deserves special mention, though. She finds out that her boyfriend is a vampire and becomes MORE capable of looking after herself. Remember that time, right after she figured everything out, when that crazy vampire attacked her at the school dance and she STABBED HIM WITH A PENCIL?

6. Music
There was a moment in the pilot where I threw up my hands and said (out loud), "Alright, that's it! I give up; I'll stop fighting; I LIKE THIS SHOW, OKAY?" That moment happened when one scene ended with "Kids" by MGMT playing in the background and the next scene started with "Running Up That Hill" by Placebo.
Since then, I have rarely heard a song that I'm familiar with, but I have frequently come across new songs I have to track down and listen to a thousand times because they are just that good. Examples include, but are in no way limited to . . .
"Help I'm Alive" - Metric
"Fire in Your New Shoes" - Kaskade featuring Martina of Dragonette
"Young Lovers" - Love Grenades (Sam Sparro Remix)




More later.
Much love,
Ryan

7 Bits of Buffy Headcanon

So I've been watching The Vampire Diaries a lot lately (and I mean A LOT - as I write this, I am waiting for the third episode of season three to download*), and it's got me thinking about Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Now, to be fair, there aren't a whole lot of things on this Earth that don't get me thinking about Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but The Vampire Diaries is an especially egregious example, as both shows contain healthy helpings of vampires, witches, werewolves,** girls who kick ass, and the ominous feeling that ABSOLUTELY ANYBODY CAN DIE AND THEY MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT COME BACK. Yes, even main characters!

So anyway. What in the world is "headcanon"? Basically, it's, um, canon that happens in your head. It may outright contradict actual canon (for example, you may wish to pretend that a certain episode or a certain scene never happened); it may, technically, "work" within established canon (for example, Darla could have totally been a Slayer - think about it), but the actual writers have never officially confirmed it, and probably never will.

I do hope that made sense. Canon for a TV show is usually much more difficult to pin down than it is for a book or a book series - if J. K. Rowling says that only wizards and witches can become ghosts, then that's the way it is; if Damon spends the first few episodes affecting the weather and using a creepy crow as his harbinger, but the writers later decide not to do that anymore, then . . . okay.

Anyway. Buffy. As anyone who's known me for longer than two and a half seconds can tell you, it's my favorite TV show of all time. I've been obsessed with it for about a decade now, and there are MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY things that were never addressed because, well, there's only so much time to explore things in a 144-episode series, and so much of that time is taken up by a) saving the world from unspeakably evil forces or b) the horror that is growing up or c) both of these things at the same time that fans like myself have plenty of room to play around and let our imaginations wander.

Sooo yeah, that's why we're here.

7 Bits of Buffy Headcanon

1. Xander's parents were verbally abusive.
Sadly, this is just shy of being out-and-out canon. We never actually get to spend too much time with them (although, now that I think about it, did we finally get to meet them in season six? It's been quite a while since I sat down and actually watched the series for any length of time), mostly hear them holler at him from the top of the stairs, but the signs are definitely there: They are not nice people. They're not exactly Vernon and Petunia Dursley, but they have treated him like crap. It's amazing that he grew up to be such a good person.
(If you want proof of this one, watch "Restless" and pay attention to his dream.)

2. When Oz came back in "New Moon Rising," he lost control because Willow was with someone else - NOT because she was with a girl.
Apparently, he went off to learn how to repress his wolf side and convinced himself that she'd just be keeping her legs crossed and waiting for him to come back to her INDEFINITELY even though he never so much as called her.
(Also, you know, when he reveals that he has learned how to stop himself from transforming, he says something about how she's probably stopped paying attention to when the moon is full.
Right.
Because that's not at all interesting to a witch.)
All of that being said, believe it or not, but: Oz is actually one of my favorite characters. I was (obviously) psyched when Willow and Tara got together, but I genuinely felt bad for him when he came back and was clearly still in love with her; my reaction was something along the lines of GOD I LOVE THIS SHOW AND HOW TRAGICALLY DELICIOUS IT IS.

3. In the first episode of season six, when Dawn tells Spike that she's not the Key anymore, she's wrong.
Just because, with Glory out of everyone's hair, it would be pretty cool if Buffy's annoying kid sister had the power to unlock portals between dimensions.
And hey, speaking of Glory . . .

4. Giles never told anyone about killing Ben.
Which I mention mostly because, in the commentary for "Lies My Parents Told Me," David Fury says that he considered having him tell Buffy in that episode, but decided not to because, since it takes place a season and a half after the fact, he figured no one would care.
Which I heard and went, "Are you kidding me?! That scene would be awesome!"

5. Witches cannot be turned into vampires, and

6. Witch blood is debilitating to vampires. It will, in fact, burn them from the inside out if they drink it (much like holy water).
Mostly just because these would be cool.
We never got to find out for sure, though, because no vampire ever tried either of them*** - basically, attacking a witch who's grown into her power is a really good way for a vampire to commit suicide.

7. Willow was not supposed to happen.
Let me explain . . .
When we meet her in the pilot, Willow is a shy, awkward, bookish girl who (along with Xander) quickly becomes Buffy's best friend. In the last episode of the series, she casts a spell to turn every Potential in the world into a Slayer. That shouldn't be possible, and she herself doesn't think she'll be able to do it.
Basically, after her power surge in the last half of season five, Willow Rosenberg quickly becomes one of the most powerful forces in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer universe (which probably should not come as a huge surprise to an attentive viewer, considering that her first foray into witchcraft was to restore a vampire's soul****): She's the only person who doesn't need a divine weapon to hurt Glory, WHO IS A LITERAL GOD; she brings Buffy back from the dead*****; she nearly destroys the world after Tara is killed; and The First Evil (who is basically the closest thing to Satan we ever got on this show) tries to convince her to kill herself because his plan would be much easier to accomplish with her out of the way.
But, as I say, she was not supposed to happen.
On Buffy, we got to meet several witches, but the only two who we got to know nearly as well as Willow, Amy and Tara, both inherited the craft from their mothers. Willow did not, and that is why I think she was an accident. I mean, living in Sunnydale, anybody with half an inkling can attract the attention of otherworldly forces without meaning to, so it's quite easy to be a "Wanna Blessed Be" - but, as Amy points out in season seven, it doesn't matter how hard natural witches like herself study and study and study: Willow has the kind of power the rest of them dream about. And she makes using it look easy.
Why?
The way I see it, her power has something to do with Buffy. She first did magic in the last episode of season two, and kept studying it in season three, but she didn't really start to become ridiculously powerful until after the penultimate episode of season four, when she and Giles and Xander joined their essences with Buffy's. A witch had never joined herself with a Slayer before, and that did something. I don't know. Maybe the Powers That Be had some idea what Buffy was going to do by the end of the series and figured she would need some extra protection. Maybe Willow is like Tiffany Aching - not born with a knack for witchcraft, but she found it and made it work for her, and had a lot of power because she needed it. I'm not sure. All I know for sure is that Willow went from being the most vulnerable character on the show to being (arguably) a demi-goddess . . . and she wouldn't have gotten there without Buffy.

Okay, that's all I've got for now.

You may be wondering why, if I've been watching it so damn much lately, I'm not writing about The Vampire Diaries. All I can tell you is, don't you worry.

More later. Much love,
Ryan







*How the hell did I ever survive without iTunes? Heh.

**Interestingly, both shows introduce us to vampires, witches, and werewolves IN THAT ORDER.

***I know, I know, Spike tried to drink Willow's blood on more than one occasion - but not after he got his chip, which was before she really started to get powerful.

****Which, as you may recall, had only ever happened once before in the history of vampires - and she was the only human who ever did it a) by herself or b) TWICE.

*****As I said before, Willow and Xander both become Buffy's best friends in the very first episode. So it's pretty interesting that, both times she's died trying to save the world, one of them has brought her back to life.

Friendship is Magic - Why I Can't Pick a Favorite

Okay, before I say anything about any of the characters individually, there's something I simply must point out:

This is probably just me being too anal for my own good, but I love the fact that the Mane Six consist of two Earth Ponies (Applejack and Pinkie Pie), two Pegasus Ponies (Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash), and two Unicorn Ponies (Rarity and Twilight Sparkle).

Also! Again, this is probably just me being too anal for my own good, but it fits, so hear me out. Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity -- all of whom have names that are one word long -- have coats in colors that a real horse might have. Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight Sparkle -- two-word names -- well, not so much.


Alright then. The thing is, I can't pick a favorite character because I LOVE THEM ALL. Here's why . . .

Twilight Sparkle
* She is such a bookworm (bookpony?) that she lives in a library.
* It's never explicitly stated, but it is heavily implied that, before she met the other five, she had never really had any friends in her whole entire life. (Sure, she and Spike are awfully fond of each other, but he is technically her assistant. Also, there's enough of an age difference that she thinks of him as a little brother. Or perhaps a son, since she did hatch his egg and all.)
* She was instrumental in using the Elements of Harmony. Which, let's face it, was the coolest scene in the entire series. So far.
* All Ponies have a special talent, and all Unicorn Ponies have a knack for some sort of magic, but Twilight Sparkle's special talent IS magic. She can do pretty much anything. What's interesting is that she never verbally casts any spells. The way her magic works is, she does some research and then she thinks really hard and her horn glows and stuff happens. Soooo, maybe this is a bit of a stretch, but she's the main character of a show aimed at little girls and she has the power to use her brain to affect the world around her. I love her so much for that.
-> The one bad thing I have to say about her is that she has a slight tendency to forget that she can teleport. Even though she does it in the theme song.


Applejack
* Along with Spike, she's the only classic character whose name was allowed to be used for the new show, since Hasbro had lost the rights to all the others. Spike and Applejack. Think about that for a second. The creators sure did, and the jokes have been made on the show itself. I am not kidding.
* Maybe it shouldn't be, but I find it adorable how she calls everybody "sugar cube."
* Bloomberg.
* I love that moment where she admits that she figured Twilight was just spoutin' a load of hooey . . . but, hey, they really DO represent the Elements of Harmony after all.

Pinkie Pie
* Think of any situation that could possibly happen. Pinkie Pie's response? Throw a party!
* She frequently breaks the fourth wall and defies the laws of physics for the sake of a joke or a sight gag. Every single time, it is hilarious. And awesome. Honestly, she's so awesome that I can't even talk about her.
* Which is remarkable, since I thought she was going to be my least favorite character.

Rainbow Dash
* Before the show, she was not a Pegasus Pony. And her "rainbow" hair was blue, purple, pink, green, yellow, orange, and more pink. I mean, she was still probably my favorite G3 Pony, buuuut now she's 20% cooler. (That was an in-joke, by the way.)
* In the first episode, when she casually boasts that she can clear the sky in "ten seconds flat," it literally takes her ten seconds of screen time.
* The Sonic Rainboom may be the coolest thing I've ever seen that didn't involve a seventeen-year-old blonde girl using a stolen rocket launcher to destroy an unkillable demon.


Rarity
* In the second episode, she KICKS THE MANTICORE IN ITS FACE. Despite being about one-tenth its size.
* I can't back this up with any hard evidence, but I have a theory that, while Twilight obviously has much more raw power, Rarity has more control over her telekinesis.
* There's nothing new about a TV show aimed at little girls having a character who's obsessed with fashion . . . but how many of them actually sell their own clothes out of their own boutiques?
* Also, it's rather common for the fashionable character to be the most stuck-up . . . but Rarity is best friends with Fluttershy. Speaking of . . .

Fluttershy
* In the second episode, she actually defeats the manticore. By being nice to him!
* How 'bout that time she stared down a cockatrice and shrugged off the whole "being turned to stone right now" thing?
* "Dragonshy."
* Honestly, she may be the most timid Pony in Ponyville (the word "shy" is IN HER NAME), but she's also clearly the last Pony in Ponyville -- nay, in all of Equestria -- who you ever want to piss off.

Spike
* He's not a Pony, but he may be my favorite character in the whole show.
* He's a dragon.
* He's a BABY dragon.
* He's a baby dragon who EATS GEMSTONES.
* He's a baby dragon who eats gemstones and BREATHES GREEN FIRE.
* He's the only character who's ever remarked upon the weirdness of Fluttershy, a Pegasus Pony who's afraid of heights.
* He's always ready to mock anything that needs mocking.
* He has a crush on Rarity.
* Oh, God. That scene in "Party of One" where Pinkie Pie interrogates him. Oh, God.