My Thoughts on Once Upon a Time

Note: As of this writing, I have only seen episodes one through twelve. If any of my gripes or theories have been addressed or proven wrong since then, please don't tell me.




1. It pretty much goes without saying, but I am almost always going to love any sort of fairy tale that's not intended for children (example: Wicked). That being said, I really can't explain why it took me so long to start watching. Several people told me they just knew I would thoroughly enjoy it . . . and, what do you know, they were right.

2. Back in September or October (in other words, not long after it premiered), I read some article somewhere about how the show was drawing criticism from fans of Fables (which is about as not-intended-for-children as it is possible to be) who felt that it was a ripoff of that series.

What.

I don't even know how to respond to that. Yes, okay, both series are about fairy tale characters living in the real world, and both series give Snow White a prominent role, buuuuuut those are the only real similarities. There are a ton of differences. Off the top of my head, these are some of the biggest ones. In Fables:

* All of the fairy tale characters remember who they are. They came to New York to escape the Adversary, who is also a fairy tale character (I won't spoil his or her identity, but it was originally going to be Peter Pan) who's been systematically killing the rest of them off for centuries.

* Snow White is the deputy mayor of Fabletown, and Old King Cole is the mayor.

* Snow White divorced Prince Charming, who went on to marry Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty (in that order?). None of them are on very good terms with him, since he's a complete jerk.

* Boy Blue is Snow's assistant; one of his first lines in the whole series is about how it's not a good idea to ask her about the dwarves. The audience doesn't find out exactly why for quite a while.

* Rose Red is a major character from word one.

* And so on and so forth.

3. Speaking of Fables, there's a scene early on where Snow White recovers from an injury that should've been fatal ("head trauma" is an understatement) and Rose Red -- who, obviously, is her twin -- complains that she can never really die because the Mundies (that's us!) keep re-telling her story over and over and over.

Once Upon a Time is an excellent example of that. Not only is the whole thing yet another retelling of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves," it goes out of its way to turn other classic fairy tales into that story. Which is especially interesting when you consider that two different movies based on it are going to be released this year.

4. Probably my favorite thing about this show is that there's no shortage of female characters who kick ass -- Emma, Snow, Regina, and Gretel are the best examples so far, but I've been spoiled enough to know that Granny and Red Riding Hood will reveal their badassery in good time -- and absolutely NO ONE seems to think there's anything abnormal about a woman kicking ass.

5. Was "Regina" the Evil Queen's name in the Enchanted Forest, or did she adopt it upon coming to our world? If it wasn't always her name, what was her name back then? I know it's a little thing, but this really bugs me.

6. I really really like the relationship between Henry and Emma.
Sort of.

7. The Hansel & Gretel episode got on my nerves just a bit. I mean, alright, it's Hansel & Gretel, we all know exactly how that story goes. The witch tries to cook them and they cook her. The end. But here's my question:

ONE of the TWO things we got to see the Blind Witch use magic for was telekinesis* -- so how were they able to lock her in the oven? There's plenty of folklore about iron being impervious to magic, so that could've explained it . . . so how hard would it have been to include a line to, you know, explain that?

Which leads me to . . .

8. It was established in the pilot that the Evil Queen can teleport. So, other than "for dramatic effect," why is she always riding around in that pretentious carriage?

9. For that matter, why does she need guards?

10. In episode two, the Evil Queen pays a visit to Maleficent and teases her for being defeated by Sleeping Beauty. So wait, why is Maleficent still alive?

11. You know, I think it's kind of cool how they've been working other fairy tales into Snow White's story, but it's really rather pointless. We already know how her story ends. Even if we didn't, the pilot makes it clear that she and Prince Charming get married and have a baby and live happily ever after. Well, almost.

All I'm saying is, they keep throwing things like dead dwarves and emotion potions and long-lost twin brothers into the story; they're cool, but they rather lack dramatic tension.

12. The writers are clearly making an effort to populate the Enchanted Forest with people of color, and I love that a whole lot, but . . .

none of them get to do anything!

(Cinderella's fairy godmother does NOT count.)

Which really bugs me, because -- unless there's someone I'm not thinking of right now -- Snow White is just about the only fairy tale character ever who is specifically described as having white skin. Anyone else could be any ethnicity in the world, but they are all white white white.

Well. Except for the Evil Queen (her actress is Puerto Rican) and the Genie (he's half black and half Italian).

Good going, show.

13. It would be really cool if they made somebody gay.

14. It would be almost as cool if they made one of the more popular princesses totally evil. (Example: There could be a VERY GOOD REASON Maleficent is still alive . . .)

15. I'll try not to rage about this too much, but the Beauty & the Beast episode really pissed me off. I did quite like the actress they chose to play Belle, but I did not like the direction they went with for the Beast at all. (I felt a bit like the main character of Sunshine -- which, if you haven't read yet, go track it down right now -- who is annoyed that most artists in her world tend to portray him as looking like a vampire.)

16. There are quite a few questions I would really like to have answered sooner than later, such as:

* Why the hell does Regina even want Henry?

* If Regina is so hell-bent on making sure no one gets a happy ending, ever, why does she keep going around saying things like, "Miss Blanchard, stay away from Mister Nolan OR ELSE"?

* Does Regina still have her powers? If so, why doesn't she use them to keep everyone in line and deal with Emma? Is Emma's mere presence weakening her hold over the town? If so, why doesn't she realize that?

* Why didn't Regina just kill everyone? That would've been a great way to destroy their happy endings, right?

* When is Emma going to start believing Henry about the curse?
Seriously, the show can't go on like this forever.

17. This show is really really pretty to look at. Not the cast (although, um, WHAT'S UP, PRINCE THOMAS?), the backgrounds. The forests and the skies and the meadows and the lakes. Sweet God.

18. If Emma is so so so good at telling when someone is lying, how the hell does she not realize that Sidney Glass is in Regina's pocket?

19. I'm really going to be pissed if they try to portray the Evil Queen in a sympathetic light. She's one of the most evil characters I've ever encountered in any story in any medium, and I really love to hate her. It's gonna suck if I eventually have to start feeling sorry for her.

Well, okay. That would maybe make her more of a well-rounded character, but seriously. How bad can her life possibly have been so far that she had to try to murder her stepdaughter -- not to mention that whole thing where she ripped out her father's heart so she could send every fairy tale character ever to our world and mess with their memories in the process?

20. I find it very interesting that, so far, everything we've seen that's happened in Fairy Tale Land has technically been a flashback.

21. Ginnifer Goodwin and Jennifer Morrison are adorable together. I adore them both individually, and I can totally buy them as mother and daughter.

22. So far, I'm not exactly loving what the show has done with Rumpelstiltskin.



*Yes, I know that, technically, using magic to move stuff around is not exactly the same thing as "telekinesis" . . . but seriously, bite me.

Six Things I Really Like About The Vampire Diaries

NOTE: This post may, and probably will, contain mild to major spoilers for the first two seasons.
(Although, having said that, I started watching season one more than halfway through the original airing of season two; I went in knowing full well that Character A becomes a vampire, Character B and Character C hook up, etc. . . . and that did absolutely nothing to spoil my enjoyment. So I'm just saying.)




1. Supernatural Hierarchy
In the first two seasons, we meet vampires, witches, werewolves, Original Vampires, and ghosts.
Ghosts are a bit of a mystery, so let's focus on the other four.
Actually, you know, I was going to examine this a bit more in-depth, but here's what it boils down to: Witches are vastly more powerful than vampires, werewolves, or Original Vampires. They're naturally immune to compulsion, they can hit vampires with a mind whammy that hurts them far more than vervain, novice witches can throw people around with their thoughts. And so on and so on.
As for werewolves: This has so far not even been hinted at in the show, but it is my personal belief that a werewolf bite is fatal to vampires because the witch who came up with the curse (when are we ever going to get around to hearing that story?) specifically made it that way. "Nature demands balance" and all that.
So yeah, long story short, witches are the bitches in charge.
Which is interesting, when you think about it. Vampires and werewolves have been around in Story for centuries and centuries, and they're basically nothing more and nothing less than metaphors for some of our most primal fears. Witches have been around even longer, in real life and in Story, and they were originally just people who knew things other people didn't. And yet, in almost every fictional universe you've ever heard of, they're the ones you go to when you need to stop vampires or werewolves or unspeakably evil forces who are older than time.
All I'm saying is, that's pretty cool.

2. The Humor
It doesn't happen very often, but occasionally, this show makes me drop everything and laugh so hard I fall out of my chair. Usually due to a deadpan line uttered by Caroline or (much less frequently than you would think) Damon. For example, that time in "Masquerade" (one of my favorite episodes, by the way) when he tells her to "skip the teen drama."

3. Vervain
Compared to Buffy, vampires on TVD are - I don't just want to say "more powerful" - FUCKING SCARY. They're so fast you'll never see them coming; they're so strong they can shatter your spine with two fingers; they can use MIND CONTROL on you (for example, to make you forget that they had sex with you and then drank your blood); if they've ever met a witch, chances are she's created a piece of jewelry that lets them walk around in the sunlight without bursting into flames; they almost instantly heal from things like being stabbed in the gut, and having their eyes gouged out only takes a few hours until they make a full recovery; they're not affected by holy water or garlic or religious symbols of any kind; and they're more or less impossible to kill.
So thank goodness they're so ridiculously susceptible to vervain.
Drink just a little of it and drinking your blood will debilitate them long enough for a stake to the heart.
Hold it in your hand, or wear a locket that contains a little, and they won't be able to compel you.
Dilute it in water and it basically turns into Vampire Acid.
Touch them with it and they burn.
Along with the whole invitation thing, this little herb is probably the only reason anyone in Mystic Falls can sleep without nightmares.
Best part? It ACTUALLY EXISTS. The writers did not make it up.

4. Caroline Forbes
When Bonnie's busy forgetting that she can move things with her mind (even though that's THE VERY FIRST THING SHE GOT THE HANG OF after finally learning about her heritage) and Elena's upset about her epic vampire romance love triangle woes (gag me with a spoon), she is always there to step up and say something awesome or do something awesome and make my soul do a happy dance.
Also.
I've loved her since that scene in the pilot, but my love for her really skyrockets during season two. I find it very interesting that becoming a vampire seemingly turns her into a better person.
Also-also, believe it or not, but I tend to hate vampires as a general sort of rule (drinking blood = icky). Caroline is hands-down my favorite vampire in all of fiction.
Also-also-also, I love how the writers felt the need to insert a vampire-werewolf love triangle into the show (because that's always so FASCINATING, am I right?) . . . but in this case, the vampire is the girl. The human is one of her would-be suitors.
And, speaking of romance . . .

5. Despite it being a "romance" show, pretty much every female character eventually becomes a total badass.
'Nuff said.
Elena deserves special mention, though. She finds out that her boyfriend is a vampire and becomes MORE capable of looking after herself. Remember that time, right after she figured everything out, when that crazy vampire attacked her at the school dance and she STABBED HIM WITH A PENCIL?

6. Music
There was a moment in the pilot where I threw up my hands and said (out loud), "Alright, that's it! I give up; I'll stop fighting; I LIKE THIS SHOW, OKAY?" That moment happened when one scene ended with "Kids" by MGMT playing in the background and the next scene started with "Running Up That Hill" by Placebo.
Since then, I have rarely heard a song that I'm familiar with, but I have frequently come across new songs I have to track down and listen to a thousand times because they are just that good. Examples include, but are in no way limited to . . .
"Help I'm Alive" - Metric
"Fire in Your New Shoes" - Kaskade featuring Martina of Dragonette
"Young Lovers" - Love Grenades (Sam Sparro Remix)




More later.
Much love,
Ryan

Progress!

A little less than two weeks ago, I had a bad day that I didn't want to talk about.

The way I saw it then, there were six things I needed to do ASAP.

Let's see how I've been doing, shall we?

1. Move.
Literally in the process right now. The cool thing is, I'll be moving to the neighborhood I've had my heart set on for more than two years.

2. Transfer.
My first day at my new store is September 12th - that's right, a mere two weeks from now. Again, the cool thing is, I've had my heart set on this store for more than two years. Not gonna lie, I'm pretty effin' proud of myself.

3. Start hanging out with my friends a thousand times more regularly than I do at the moment.
Yup. Go me.

4. Read without ceasing.
"Without ceasing" is perhaps a bit of a stretch, but I am definitely pulling out of my initial post-therapy book slump.


5. Take pictures. (I may or may not take a photography class just for fun.)
Ahem. I still haven't done any research about the just-for-fun class, but check this out:


http://fake-photography.tumblr.com/

[Note to self: Really? You're gonna make everybody copy and paste? Geez. You need to get a lot more familiar with Blogspot STAT.]

6. Buy some crayons!
I still think this is a wonderful idea, it's just not a priority at the moment.