[NOTE: Although I have seen every single episode multiple-multiple times, it's been more than a year since I actually sat down and watched the show. I did not Google any of these quotes before writing them up, so they might not be precisely verbatim.]
1. "Not in front of the books, Lane!"
2. "People are particularly stupid today; I can't talk to any more of them."
3. "If you're lucky, like I was, you'll only have to do it once."
4. "You're way deep in my Bogus Bag, and it's Ziplocked shut."
5. "When a woman gives birth to a crack baby, you do not buy her a puppy."
6. "Why are you throwing cutlery in a public place?"
"Because I'd feel stupid doing it at home."
7. "Don't cows eat grass?"
8. "He's sleeping with the zucchini."
9. "Maybe if we concentrate, our combined psychic powers will somehow move it closer."
"I don't think it's working."
"It's my fault; I'm not focusing."
10. "I thought you were trying to save on electricity, very prudent."
11. "All I'm saying is, sometimes eating a walnut is preferable to getting hacked to death or set on fire during dinner."
"One of these days I'm going to make you eat in your room."
12. "I ate the fuzzy Certs. They tasted like keys."
13. "Lactose and me are bros!"
14. "I'm gonna grab somebody by the neck and squeeze until brains ooze out of their ears."
15. "Oh, Ann hates me."
16. "Norman Mailer, I'm pregnant!"
17. "Don't give me lip!"
18. "Have I ever been mistaken for a patient person?"
19. "That's me, the perfect storm of genetics and caffeine."
20. "At times like these, you get to thinking about what's really important in life. [beat] I'm so glad I had all that sex."
21. "Were we not supposed to do that?"
"Maybe no one noticed."
22. "Well, Deb, I'd say, Deb, that the real tragedy here, Deb, is that you all seem to use the same awful hairdresser, Deb."
23. "You know what's fun to talk about? Late check-out."
24. "Don't get engaged."
25. "This is bigger than your love of pink!"
26. "'Green is the new pink?'"
"It's stupid."
27. "I'm trying to kick you, but I can't reach!"
28. "He's a produce man. They'll never find the body, but the squash will be especially chatty that year."
29. "This is what you look like right after you wake up?"
"Yes."
"Nothing in my life is fair."
30. "I'm gonna go make out in the coat room - don't eat my chicken."
31. "No one touch anyone in any funny places unless specifically asked."
32. "Can we hold hands and skip afterward?"
33. "Will you just shut up a minute?"
Friday, July 26, 2013
Friday, July 5, 2013
Ryan Reads Comics: X-Men (Vol. 3) #2
PREVIOUSLY ON X-MEN: Storm gave everyone a really good view of her boobs (heh) while she was flying; Rogue destroyed a train; Psylocke was actually allowed to wear actual clothes; Kitty used netspeak in spoken conversation --- twice; Jubilee failed to supply anything like a definitive answer to the whole "Are you still a vampire or not?" question; and Rachel . . . was, you know, there.
Also, there was something about John Sublime (who?) having a twin sister even more ~seriously evil~ than he is, because six of the most badass X-Men in the history of ever need somebody to punch. Obviously.
(Look, I am more excited about this book than words can possibly explain, but, at the same time, I can't help throwing a little good-natured snark in its general direction. Particularly this issue. It's Part 2 of 3 of the first arc; I'm sure everything will eventually make brilliant, perfect sense, but for now . . . well, for now, it really feels like the second part of a three-part story, you know?)
Anyway.
I love this series so much that I'd really like to do full-blown recaps, and maybe I will someday, but today I just have a lot of questions & exclamations. So, whatever, let's go with that.
NEXT TIME ON X-MEN: Psylocke (who is still actually wearing actual clothes, while wielding a wicked-looking spear, while manifesting the focused totality of whatever) fights six or seven people at once. I approve. How many milliseconds until the next issue?
Also, there was something about John Sublime (who?) having a twin sister even more ~seriously evil~ than he is, because six of the most badass X-Men in the history of ever need somebody to punch. Obviously.
(Look, I am more excited about this book than words can possibly explain, but, at the same time, I can't help throwing a little good-natured snark in its general direction. Particularly this issue. It's Part 2 of 3 of the first arc; I'm sure everything will eventually make brilliant, perfect sense, but for now . . . well, for now, it really feels like the second part of a three-part story, you know?)
Anyway.
I love this series so much that I'd really like to do full-blown recaps, and maybe I will someday, but today I just have a lot of questions & exclamations. So, whatever, let's go with that.
- What is up with Beast's hair?
- What is or was the deal with Karima Shapandar? Would I appreciate her more if I did a little research, or does the actual story tell us everything we really need to know about her? (Either way, her name is freaking awesome.)
- Is Pixie really as awesome as everybody seems to think? I mean, I understand that other people go into full-on flail when they see her in the background, but I've never read a story about her or heard anything that really made me want to read a story about her, soooo.
- What is the deal with John Sublime? Specifically, why do Rachel and Betsy bother interrogating him when they are both, you know, telepathic?
- IS JUBILEE STILL A VAMPIRE OR NOT?
- I'm just gonna say it: Kitty Pryde is freaking adorable, but the ponytail is not a good look for her.
- "I understand, there's no way of knowing how much of Karima still exists in there." Again, um, why does telepathy not work that way?
- Why does Rogue, who has superstrength, feel the need to joke with Kitty about how much Hank weighs? Why does Kitty, who knows that Rogue has superstrength, feel the need to help her carry Hank out of his lab?
- When is Storm going to use her powers to do anything other than fly?
- Obviously, I want to know what's going on with Jubilee's son (Shogo), but that's clearly pretty crucial to the plot.
- Aaaaaaand the issue ends three seconds before a bomb goes off! Nice.
NEXT TIME ON X-MEN: Psylocke (who is still actually wearing actual clothes, while wielding a wicked-looking spear, while manifesting the focused totality of whatever) fights six or seven people at once. I approve. How many milliseconds until the next issue?
Monday, June 3, 2013
My Idea For a Vampire Show
(Before we begin, a tiny confession: I've never actually, you
know, liked vampires all that much. There are a fair tiny few who I love
quite a lot - notably Caroline from The Vampire Diaries, Drusilla from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Jessica from True Blood, and Con from Sunshine
- but, on the whole, drinking blood is icky and the whole "eternal
love" thing makes me want to find a spoon and gag myself with it, and
those are pretty much all of my feelings about them.
So all I'm saying is, if you think vampires are the coolest tortured soul tragic hero sexy beast creatures of the night in the history of ever, you might not entirely appreciate my take on them.)
(Also, I'm aware that this may not be the most original idea ever, but two of the biggest vampire shows on the air right now were inspired by book series, and Dracula is coming to NBC this fall, so clearly originality is not a huge deal, right?)
Our Hero
Let's call her Hannah, shall we? (I'm not absolutely totally certain this is her name, but it'll work for now.)
Hannah is an adorable young Asian woman who's been a vampire for about four hundred years (or maybe five hundred; the smaller details of her backstory are not particularly important at this stage of the writing process, and either way she is more than twice as old as, for example, America). She's always hated being a vampire, but about one hundred years ago (more than that? less? yet more backstory), a chance encounter made her see that, duh, there are a lot of bump-in-the-night-y things out there that are even worse than her (including other vampires), and she could be saving people from them. Superstrength, superspeed, and immortality make it pretty easy to be a hero. Well, if killing monsters makes you a hero. Which I'm fairly certain it does.
When the show starts, Hannah is teaching herself Dutch, Polish, and Sanskrit in her spare time. These are in addition to the twenty-four other languages she already speaks fluently. Because, well, wouldn't you do the same thing if you were never going to die?
She's independently wealthy (because everyone already knows vampires always are), but travels around working a lot of odd jobs because it helps her a) stay in touch with humans and b) hear about monsters who need killing.
Hannah is one of twelve vampires - ever - who can walk around in the sunlight without bursting into flames and dying instantly. How she got this power is a pretty crucial part of her backstory; it nearly killed her, and paying for it was not easy.
Her best friend (who won't introduce herself until the last few minutes of the first episode) is a ridiculously powerful witch.
Vampires: They're Freaking Monsters
If you're a little too familiar with other series, you might be under the impression that, once you get past their homicidal tendencies, vampires are downright cuddly. Well, not on my show.
Technically, they only "need" to feed about once every other month, but vampires want to kill whenever they're awake. If they get bored, they are likely to go on killing sprees that are as bad as anything you'd see on Criminal Minds. If you think you can take them, you're wrong. They're fast enough to sneak up behind you and snap your neck - or, for that matter, rip off each of your limbs one by one, tear out your heart, whip out your spine and use it as a whip, et cetera - several times over and over and over before you ever even feel like you're possibly being watched.
(As for the whole "but they're so sexy" thing . . . well, yes, they're nice to look at and they know it, but they still very much want to kill you. You have absolutely no chance of "taming" one, no matter how great your blood smells. Even if you do manage to find one who's willing to keep you alive for a while, they will eventually get bored and decide to kill you, and, well, they're strong enough to smash through stone with their bare hands. Do you really want one grabbing you and, you know, thrusting?)
So basically, if you know they exist, you should be totally afraid to go outside after dark for any reason unless you're lucky enough to live in a town with a witch.
No Romance
No, I'm totally kidding. Hannah falls in love with a human, and they officially start dating a few episodes into season two, but there is no extended "Oh look, here's her love interest! Aren't they cute together? Have we mentioned that they're in l-o-v-e (even though they just met two minutes ago)?" scene in the first episode.
When they do finally kiss, reactions will be mixed: Some fans will be overjoyed; some fans will wonder where the hell that came from; some fans will yell, "Well, this just got interesting!"; and . . . some people will stop watching.
Villains
I haven't given this an awful lot of thought - other than "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if Hannah fought a bunch of trolls all the time?" and some hazy ideas about an immortal wicked witch - but, trust me, there would be some villains you could actually hate. You'd cry when they killed your favorite supporting character, you'd cheer when Hannah killed them, and THEY WOULD NOT GET THEIR OWN SHOW.
Witches
Alright, let's be brutally honest for one second: I'm not a writer. I'm probably never going to write any part of this story in any format.
So it's completely stupid to speak of spoilers, but I'd spoil quite a few truly excellent scenes (some of which might actually come as a surprise) if I said anything - other than "They hate each other, A LOT" - about the relationship between witches and vampires. (Since Hannah's best friend is a witch, other vampires basically view her as a biological freak. It is absolutely unheard of for a vampire and a witch to not want to kill each other.)
Oh, well, one thing I can reveal is that, since you can't make someone a witch, there are less of them than there are vampires in the world. Fortunately for us, witches are obviously way more powerful.
Absolutely No Werewolves
The only thing more boring than a werewolf is a werewolf who shows up on a vampire show for some obligatory Fang vs. Fur action.
Obviously (unfortunately), they do exist, but they are never allowed to appear onscreen. Whenever they're mentioned, someone has to dismissively point out how pathetic they are.
Fairies
Kind of a big deal.
Mostly because I'd like there to be a fairly important recurring character who is a gay guy with some fae blood who discovers that he can start fires with his mind - in other words, a literal flaming fairy. Heh.
But seriously, fairies are awesome. They could wrap up the entire vampire-witch thing in about ten days. If they gave a shit.
So, that's it. All I'm saying is, I would totally watch this.
P.S. Have I mentioned that Hannah's best friend in the world is a witch? Because it's kind of important.
So all I'm saying is, if you think vampires are the coolest tortured soul tragic hero sexy beast creatures of the night in the history of ever, you might not entirely appreciate my take on them.)
(Also, I'm aware that this may not be the most original idea ever, but two of the biggest vampire shows on the air right now were inspired by book series, and Dracula is coming to NBC this fall, so clearly originality is not a huge deal, right?)
Our Hero
Let's call her Hannah, shall we? (I'm not absolutely totally certain this is her name, but it'll work for now.)
Hannah is an adorable young Asian woman who's been a vampire for about four hundred years (or maybe five hundred; the smaller details of her backstory are not particularly important at this stage of the writing process, and either way she is more than twice as old as, for example, America). She's always hated being a vampire, but about one hundred years ago (more than that? less? yet more backstory), a chance encounter made her see that, duh, there are a lot of bump-in-the-night-y things out there that are even worse than her (including other vampires), and she could be saving people from them. Superstrength, superspeed, and immortality make it pretty easy to be a hero. Well, if killing monsters makes you a hero. Which I'm fairly certain it does.
When the show starts, Hannah is teaching herself Dutch, Polish, and Sanskrit in her spare time. These are in addition to the twenty-four other languages she already speaks fluently. Because, well, wouldn't you do the same thing if you were never going to die?
She's independently wealthy (because everyone already knows vampires always are), but travels around working a lot of odd jobs because it helps her a) stay in touch with humans and b) hear about monsters who need killing.
Hannah is one of twelve vampires - ever - who can walk around in the sunlight without bursting into flames and dying instantly. How she got this power is a pretty crucial part of her backstory; it nearly killed her, and paying for it was not easy.
Her best friend (who won't introduce herself until the last few minutes of the first episode) is a ridiculously powerful witch.
Vampires: They're Freaking Monsters
If you're a little too familiar with other series, you might be under the impression that, once you get past their homicidal tendencies, vampires are downright cuddly. Well, not on my show.
Technically, they only "need" to feed about once every other month, but vampires want to kill whenever they're awake. If they get bored, they are likely to go on killing sprees that are as bad as anything you'd see on Criminal Minds. If you think you can take them, you're wrong. They're fast enough to sneak up behind you and snap your neck - or, for that matter, rip off each of your limbs one by one, tear out your heart, whip out your spine and use it as a whip, et cetera - several times over and over and over before you ever even feel like you're possibly being watched.
(As for the whole "but they're so sexy" thing . . . well, yes, they're nice to look at and they know it, but they still very much want to kill you. You have absolutely no chance of "taming" one, no matter how great your blood smells. Even if you do manage to find one who's willing to keep you alive for a while, they will eventually get bored and decide to kill you, and, well, they're strong enough to smash through stone with their bare hands. Do you really want one grabbing you and, you know, thrusting?)
So basically, if you know they exist, you should be totally afraid to go outside after dark for any reason unless you're lucky enough to live in a town with a witch.
No Romance
No, I'm totally kidding. Hannah falls in love with a human, and they officially start dating a few episodes into season two, but there is no extended "Oh look, here's her love interest! Aren't they cute together? Have we mentioned that they're in l-o-v-e (even though they just met two minutes ago)?" scene in the first episode.
When they do finally kiss, reactions will be mixed: Some fans will be overjoyed; some fans will wonder where the hell that came from; some fans will yell, "Well, this just got interesting!"; and . . . some people will stop watching.
Villains
I haven't given this an awful lot of thought - other than "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if Hannah fought a bunch of trolls all the time?" and some hazy ideas about an immortal wicked witch - but, trust me, there would be some villains you could actually hate. You'd cry when they killed your favorite supporting character, you'd cheer when Hannah killed them, and THEY WOULD NOT GET THEIR OWN SHOW.
Witches
Alright, let's be brutally honest for one second: I'm not a writer. I'm probably never going to write any part of this story in any format.
So it's completely stupid to speak of spoilers, but I'd spoil quite a few truly excellent scenes (some of which might actually come as a surprise) if I said anything - other than "They hate each other, A LOT" - about the relationship between witches and vampires. (Since Hannah's best friend is a witch, other vampires basically view her as a biological freak. It is absolutely unheard of for a vampire and a witch to not want to kill each other.)
Oh, well, one thing I can reveal is that, since you can't make someone a witch, there are less of them than there are vampires in the world. Fortunately for us, witches are obviously way more powerful.
Absolutely No Werewolves
The only thing more boring than a werewolf is a werewolf who shows up on a vampire show for some obligatory Fang vs. Fur action.
Obviously (unfortunately), they do exist, but they are never allowed to appear onscreen. Whenever they're mentioned, someone has to dismissively point out how pathetic they are.
Fairies
Kind of a big deal.
Mostly because I'd like there to be a fairly important recurring character who is a gay guy with some fae blood who discovers that he can start fires with his mind - in other words, a literal flaming fairy. Heh.
But seriously, fairies are awesome. They could wrap up the entire vampire-witch thing in about ten days. If they gave a shit.
So, that's it. All I'm saying is, I would totally watch this.
P.S. Have I mentioned that Hannah's best friend in the world is a witch? Because it's kind of important.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Ryan Reads Comics: X-Men (Vol. 3) #1
[NOTE: This post is pretty much spoiler-free.]
Or, as I can't help but call it in my head, THE ALL-NEW ALL-FEMALE X-MEN. Heh-heh, I'm a nerd.
Anyway . . .
When I heard that Marvel was really & truly going to re-launch the "adjectiveless" X-Men book with an all-female team, I was thoroughly, completely, utterly, and absolutely psyched. When I heard that Brian Wood was going to write it, and Jubilee was going to be one of the main characters, I knew that I had to go out and buy it as soon as it hit the shelves.
And I was right!
THINGS I LOVED
1. THE CHARACTERS, OF COURSE:
STORM: Well, duh. I mean, I know I'm just the slightest bit partial here (she is pretty much my favorite comic book superhero of all time), but you really can't have an all-female team of X-Men without her.
Also, I love that she's rocking her mohawk again.
SHADOWCAT: Pure badass. Everyone loves her, but everyone loves her for a very good reason. Actually, several very good reasons. None of which are really shown off here, but you know she's gonna kick some serious ass as the series goes on. Well, so will everyone else, but it's more of a big deal for Kitty, because her power is somewhat less of a threat. Or so you'd think.
PSYLOCKE: HOLY COWS, SHE GETS TO WEAR ACTUAL CLOTHES. THIS IS AMAZING.
Also, she is apparently a telepath again? That's pretty ideal.
ROGUE: Not sure what's up with her powers these days (she mentions being able to match a train's speed "thanks to Northstar"), but she has superstrength and flight again, so I'm happy.
RACHEL SUMMERS/GREY/whatever last name she's using now: Honestly, I've never been a huge fan, but she's such an obvious heavy hitter that you can easily understand why they'd want her on this team. I mean, with telekinesis and telepathy, there's no reason (other than her convoluted backstory) to go on not being a huge fan. I guess what I'm saying is, Rachel Grey, I am ready for you to win me over.
JUBILEE: She's not a vampire anymore, right? Right? Please? I wanna see her blowin' shit up! No, actually, I don't just want it - if I'm gonna keep buying this book every month, I need to see her mutant powers restored! I don't care if the explanation for her no-longer-a-vampire-ness makes no sense, I don't even care if there is no explanation, I just need to see her make some fireworks! Emma Frost once said that she had potential to become one of the most powerful mutants on the planet, and it is about damn time that was explored at least a little! Hey, speaking of Emma Frost . . .
2. So far, Emma Frost is completely absent from this book. I mean, she's a completely brilliant character and all that, but ever since she officially joined the team, she's become almost as much of a spotlight hog as a certain hairy guy with claws; when I heard there was going to be an "all-female X-Men book," I was kind of afraid it might be "the awesome adventures of Emma Frost and her little girlfriends" or something equally dreadful. But no, she isn't even MENTIONED.
3. Words cannot express how grateful I am that no one at Marvel insisted on naming this book X-Women or X-Girls or anything gimmicky. The X-Men have been around since 1963; Storm joined in 1975, Jubilee first appeared in 1989, and the other four joined at different times in between. So my point is, everyone on this team is a veteran X-Man and has proven herself as a hero several times over. If you think of any one of them as "just a girl," you are a moron.
(Of course, you could argue that "X-Men" is a sexist name, but hey, it was the sixties. They had one girl on the team. She didn't really get to do a whole lot, and she was caught up in quite a few obligatory romantic plotlines. So the way I see it, calling this team "just" X-Men could be taken as a sign of how far women in comics have come.)
4. Seriously, y'all: There are (so far) six people on this team. Every one of them is a woman, and half of them are not white. This shouldn't be a huge deal for a major superhero book in two thousand and fucking thirteen, but it is. And it makes me so. Damn. HAPPY.
THINGS I DIDN'T LOVE
1. For some reason, I wasn't completely crazy about the art. Having said that, I can see how it will probably grow on me (I wasn't completely crazy about Adrian Alphona when I started reading Runaways, but - obviously - he eventually became one of my favorites ever).
2. Kitty Pryde - who, in addition to being a superhero who has been saving the world since she was thirteen, is also, you know, legitimately a genius - says "OMG" in spoken conversation. Twice. That seems . . . off, somehow.
3. And now, my only real complaint about this issue:
It's too short.
No, I'm kidding - there's only so much story you can fit into twenty-two pages, and this is Part 1 of 3 - but it really does feel sort of like watching the first seven minutes of a really awesome movie that you've been waiting to see for months and months
and then hitting Pause for another month.
So, all in all, I am already eagerly anticipating #2.
This is going to be so excellent.
Or, as I can't help but call it in my head, THE ALL-NEW ALL-FEMALE X-MEN. Heh-heh, I'm a nerd.
Anyway . . .
When I heard that Marvel was really & truly going to re-launch the "adjectiveless" X-Men book with an all-female team, I was thoroughly, completely, utterly, and absolutely psyched. When I heard that Brian Wood was going to write it, and Jubilee was going to be one of the main characters, I knew that I had to go out and buy it as soon as it hit the shelves.
And I was right!
THINGS I LOVED
1. THE CHARACTERS, OF COURSE:
STORM: Well, duh. I mean, I know I'm just the slightest bit partial here (she is pretty much my favorite comic book superhero of all time), but you really can't have an all-female team of X-Men without her.
Also, I love that she's rocking her mohawk again.
SHADOWCAT: Pure badass. Everyone loves her, but everyone loves her for a very good reason. Actually, several very good reasons. None of which are really shown off here, but you know she's gonna kick some serious ass as the series goes on. Well, so will everyone else, but it's more of a big deal for Kitty, because her power is somewhat less of a threat. Or so you'd think.
PSYLOCKE: HOLY COWS, SHE GETS TO WEAR ACTUAL CLOTHES. THIS IS AMAZING.
Also, she is apparently a telepath again? That's pretty ideal.
ROGUE: Not sure what's up with her powers these days (she mentions being able to match a train's speed "thanks to Northstar"), but she has superstrength and flight again, so I'm happy.
RACHEL SUMMERS/GREY/whatever last name she's using now: Honestly, I've never been a huge fan, but she's such an obvious heavy hitter that you can easily understand why they'd want her on this team. I mean, with telekinesis and telepathy, there's no reason (other than her convoluted backstory) to go on not being a huge fan. I guess what I'm saying is, Rachel Grey, I am ready for you to win me over.
JUBILEE: She's not a vampire anymore, right? Right? Please? I wanna see her blowin' shit up! No, actually, I don't just want it - if I'm gonna keep buying this book every month, I need to see her mutant powers restored! I don't care if the explanation for her no-longer-a-vampire-ness makes no sense, I don't even care if there is no explanation, I just need to see her make some fireworks! Emma Frost once said that she had potential to become one of the most powerful mutants on the planet, and it is about damn time that was explored at least a little! Hey, speaking of Emma Frost . . .
2. So far, Emma Frost is completely absent from this book. I mean, she's a completely brilliant character and all that, but ever since she officially joined the team, she's become almost as much of a spotlight hog as a certain hairy guy with claws; when I heard there was going to be an "all-female X-Men book," I was kind of afraid it might be "the awesome adventures of Emma Frost and her little girlfriends" or something equally dreadful. But no, she isn't even MENTIONED.
3. Words cannot express how grateful I am that no one at Marvel insisted on naming this book X-Women or X-Girls or anything gimmicky. The X-Men have been around since 1963; Storm joined in 1975, Jubilee first appeared in 1989, and the other four joined at different times in between. So my point is, everyone on this team is a veteran X-Man and has proven herself as a hero several times over. If you think of any one of them as "just a girl," you are a moron.
(Of course, you could argue that "X-Men" is a sexist name, but hey, it was the sixties. They had one girl on the team. She didn't really get to do a whole lot, and she was caught up in quite a few obligatory romantic plotlines. So the way I see it, calling this team "just" X-Men could be taken as a sign of how far women in comics have come.)
4. Seriously, y'all: There are (so far) six people on this team. Every one of them is a woman, and half of them are not white. This shouldn't be a huge deal for a major superhero book in two thousand and fucking thirteen, but it is. And it makes me so. Damn. HAPPY.
THINGS I DIDN'T LOVE
1. For some reason, I wasn't completely crazy about the art. Having said that, I can see how it will probably grow on me (I wasn't completely crazy about Adrian Alphona when I started reading Runaways, but - obviously - he eventually became one of my favorites ever).
2. Kitty Pryde - who, in addition to being a superhero who has been saving the world since she was thirteen, is also, you know, legitimately a genius - says "OMG" in spoken conversation. Twice. That seems . . . off, somehow.
3. And now, my only real complaint about this issue:
It's too short.
No, I'm kidding - there's only so much story you can fit into twenty-two pages, and this is Part 1 of 3 - but it really does feel sort of like watching the first seven minutes of a really awesome movie that you've been waiting to see for months and months
and then hitting Pause for another month.
So, all in all, I am already eagerly anticipating #2.
This is going to be so excellent.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Let's Talk About Coffee Shop Etiquette For Like One Second
Okay.
What I need you, the reader, to do here is as simple as it is uncomplicated: I need you to use your imagination and, ever so briefly, put yourself in someone else's shoes. You can do that, right? Yeah, no problem.
Here goes . . .
So you're a regular customer.* You have "your" coffee shop. You go there at the same time every day (sometimes two or three times a day --- no one wants to call you an addict, but you honestly buy so many lattes and so many pastries that you more or less pay the light bill every month, all by yourself) and almost always get the same thing. All of the baristas know your name, and you know a few of theirs.
You're sitting in the dining room on a typical busy Saturday evening, enjoying the free wi-fi and your sixth refill of the day, when, due to the layout of the shop, you are the first person to witness another customer --- who, to be sure, is a complete stranger to you, but still a fellow human being --- walk out of the bathroom and collapse. One second he's walking, the next second he's not.**
IN THIS SITUATION, WHAT IS THE APPROPRIATE RESPONSE?
A) Whistle at the closest barista (yes, whistle. Like he's a dog) and jerk your thumb in the general direction of the FELLOW HUMAN BEING who has just LOST CONSCIOUSNESS and MAY BE IN URGENT NEED OF MEDICAL ATTENTION and then, without saying so much as one word, go back to whatever you were doing on the Internet.**
B) Get off your ass and go see if the guy is okay.
C) Stop texting and use your phone to call 911.
D) Yell, "Hey, that guy just passed out!" (Which would actually make a fair amount of sense, as a significant number of this particular coffee shop's other regular customers are medical professionals of one sort or another, and chances are somebody could help him.)
E) Do nothing.
F) Any of the above that is not A) or E).
*Technically, the customer who inspired this post is not actually a customer. He is at one of our tables all day every day (that's an exaggeration, but only slightly) with his laptop, but he never buys anything. Ever. That bit about paying the light bill was thrown in purely for humorous effect.
**YES.
This
seriously
happened.
If the second witness hadn't said something, I would've had absolutely no idea what was going on. And I might have thrown the guy out for being rude.
What I need you, the reader, to do here is as simple as it is uncomplicated: I need you to use your imagination and, ever so briefly, put yourself in someone else's shoes. You can do that, right? Yeah, no problem.
Here goes . . .
So you're a regular customer.* You have "your" coffee shop. You go there at the same time every day (sometimes two or three times a day --- no one wants to call you an addict, but you honestly buy so many lattes and so many pastries that you more or less pay the light bill every month, all by yourself) and almost always get the same thing. All of the baristas know your name, and you know a few of theirs.
You're sitting in the dining room on a typical busy Saturday evening, enjoying the free wi-fi and your sixth refill of the day, when, due to the layout of the shop, you are the first person to witness another customer --- who, to be sure, is a complete stranger to you, but still a fellow human being --- walk out of the bathroom and collapse. One second he's walking, the next second he's not.**
IN THIS SITUATION, WHAT IS THE APPROPRIATE RESPONSE?
A) Whistle at the closest barista (yes, whistle. Like he's a dog) and jerk your thumb in the general direction of the FELLOW HUMAN BEING who has just LOST CONSCIOUSNESS and MAY BE IN URGENT NEED OF MEDICAL ATTENTION and then, without saying so much as one word, go back to whatever you were doing on the Internet.**
B) Get off your ass and go see if the guy is okay.
C) Stop texting and use your phone to call 911.
D) Yell, "Hey, that guy just passed out!" (Which would actually make a fair amount of sense, as a significant number of this particular coffee shop's other regular customers are medical professionals of one sort or another, and chances are somebody could help him.)
E) Do nothing.
F) Any of the above that is not A) or E).
*Technically, the customer who inspired this post is not actually a customer. He is at one of our tables all day every day (that's an exaggeration, but only slightly) with his laptop, but he never buys anything. Ever. That bit about paying the light bill was thrown in purely for humorous effect.
**YES.
This
seriously
happened.
If the second witness hadn't said something, I would've had absolutely no idea what was going on. And I might have thrown the guy out for being rude.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)